


The Properties Of Redemption

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Properties of Redemption [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Babies, Ben Solo is a Mess, By Palpatine, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abandonment, Closure, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Consensual Sex, Descriptions of Corpses, Eventual Happy Ending, Evil Snoke (Star Wars), First Kiss, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Fridge Horror, Fusion of Star Wars Legends and Disney Canon, Gray Jedi Kylo Ren, Hurt/Comfort, In Chapter 27, Jedi Poe Dameron, Kylo Ren Has Issues, M/M, Minor Finn/Rey (Star Wars), Minor Rose Tico/Jannah, Minor Zorii Bliss/Jessika Pava, Mutilation, Outliving One’s Offspring, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Mass Murder, Past Mind Rape, Past Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren, Past Rape/Non-Con In The First Order, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Probably Failed At Slow Burn?, Protective Poe Dameron, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption You Have To Work For, Regret, Resolution, Rey Needs A Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Build, Slow Burn Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Snoke’s Past Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Temporary Character Death, The First Order Sucks, Torture, Trauma Button, True Companions, War Crimes, because of chapter 21, past psychological torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:47:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 37,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Not long after the Battle of Exegol, Poe gets news of Ben Solo’s return — all while they’re fighting remnants of the First Order.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Series: The Properties of Redemption [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995475
Comments: 40
Kudos: 23
Collections: Bad Day Collection, Darkpilot Creator Breakdown





	1. Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was not long after the Battle of Exegol that Poe actually got the news of Ben possibly still being alive. 

Poe wished he knew how to feel. Even as he sat behind his desk, taking in the news from Rey (who had returned from burying Luke and Leia’s sabers in the desert of Tatooine. It wouldn’t have been Poe’s first choice, but still), he couldn’t help but want to hope, but also he couldn’t help but be afraid. Afraid. What a feeling. Poe couldn’t say he showed it outwardly; even when he was escaping the Finalizer with Finn, one could say that he had nerves of durasteel. But here, it was a different kind of fear. A different kind of hesitation...and hope?

He would never be happy about Kylo Ren coming back. But Ben Solo...he had known Ben Solo, once upon a time. Loved him, with everything he was. Ben had been his angel, a man who had so much faith and belief in Poe even when he hadn’t had it in himself. 

And Poe...well, it was easy to think that Ben was better than he thought he was, because he was, plain and simple. 

”Poe?” Rey said, sounding uncharacteristically gentle, at least for her. 

"I guess,” Poe said, “If he comes back...you and him...I’ll stay out of the way.”

Silence. And then Rey said, “Actually, I did some research and thanks to...Palpatine’s meddling,” Poe knew she’d never call that bastard her grandfather, “Ben and I were...are cousins.” She sighed. “Not exactly what I pictured my first kiss being.”

”How?” Poe said. 

”He created Darth Vader. As some sort of Sith ‘Chosen One’. One could say that the Jedi and the Sith were fighting over him when he was just a concept.” Rey sounded solemn even as she spoke. “And Palpatine...basically, he manipulated the midichlorians in Shmi Skywalker’s body to make a baby. Without her consent.” She sounded disgusted. Poe knew he felt it too. "But yes, you could say the Palpatine family tree is...tangled with the Skywalkers.”

”Damn.” Then, “So...”

“I’m trying to figure it out myself,” Rey said. “But...honestly, I would rather have Ben as my family than my lover. I wanted, more than anything, to have a family."

”You have it,” Poe said. He never thought he’d be trying to comfort Rey, but here he was. 

Rey smiled. “You may be annoying,” she said, “But you’re my family too.”

Poe snorted. “Thanks.”

”But yeah,” Rey said, “If we come across Ben again...what would you say to him?”

Poe paused. Thought of their meetings after Crait, before Exegol. He had resolved a lot of his feelings about the Finalizer and Crait, though he doubted he could explain it. 

”I’ll have to think about it,” he said. “A lot.”

Rey said, “We won’t let him hurt you again, Poe.”

Poe nodded, just then. There was a lot Rey didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to tell Rey until everyone was ready. “I thought so.”

***

Rey left just then, and Poe sat behind his desk, trying to focus on his papers. On what he had. He couldn’t help but think of Ben, despite himself. When they'd both crash-landed on that one planet, just for example. When they’d reunited, time and time and time again, only for Ben to keep running away.

He rubbed his temples just then. He had to focus. And then, later, he’d —

He remembered his flight log, when he’d talked about Kylo in a prison cell. At the time, he hadn’t known Kylo’s identity, and he’d seen it less for himself (although there was that too) and more for everyone Kylo had hurt. 

(Ben had wanted to fix the galaxy. When had he nearly destroyed it?)

Now...

Maybe they’d need a prison cell. Maybe Rey would see Poe as the bad guy for this, but did she realize that it hurt Poe as much as anyone? Because, plain and simply, Poe still loved him. 

Still. 

He’d go and find Ben. Maybe they wouldn’t need a prison cell. Maybe there would be a way to rehabilitate Ben, to help him. Poe knew it would help everyone. 

Everyone. 

And helping everyone...that was definitely a Poe Dameron thing. 


	2. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben heads to Dantooine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben didn’t think that he would actually go to Dantooine in all his lifetime, but he supposed that times changed enough for him to go there. He could remember his uncle going there when he was still alive, on one of those missions where Ben hadn’t been old enough to go. 

His uncle. His uncle and Ben had reconciled, in a way. It hadn’t really been Luke’s fault, in the end, because Luke had been mind controlled by Palpatine. Rey had done good work, in the end, killing her grandfather. Though he couldn’t imagine how hard it was for someone he now knew was his cousin, technically. 

(His cousin. That definitely made her “kiss of gratitude” on Exegol rather awkward)

And then there was Poe...

Did he even deserve to reunite with Poe, after everything he’d done, including to Poe? Did he really deserve any of this? Poe deserved closure, but Ben himself...

Ben mostly had to take down what remained of the First Order. He had to work for his redemption. Just killing the Knights of Ren (and he still shivered to think that they had technically been comrades of his, and he had still cut them down. He had hoped that they would stand with him against Palpatine, but...) and resurrecting Rey wasn’t enough to give him a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Ben doubted he was there to stay and chat, at least. Even as he spoke to the dockmaster, who seemed outright baffled at why there was a Sith ship on Dantooine, he mostly mind-tricked him into letting him dock. And, he made a note to himself, he would have to find a cheap way to get credits to avoid this in the future. 

***

The workbench inside the Khoonda building was a good place to start. Ben wished, in a way, that he hadn’t thrown his old lightsaber into the ocean. Of course, it had worked at the time; a symbolic rejection of the identity that he thought fit but didn’t. He could remember coming up with the name “Kylo” when he was a youngling, playing with Poe using that idea. 

“ _I’ll be the Jedi and...you can be the Jedi too_!”

He could remember it, all too well. So much of it. Playing with Poe, the two of them having giggle fits even as they pretended to wield lightsabers and Force powers. Protecting the innocent, all standing together. 

If Palpatine hadn’t happened...if none of this had happened...

Ben sighed. It struck him in that moment that he was truly alone. More than alone, actually. It struck him that he was alone in the universe; even the dyad with Rey had broken when she’d temporarily died, and he’d felt it. It was a wound, a strange feeling of emptiness where Rey should have been there but wasn’t. 

Tai was gone. Voe was gone, Hennix was gone. Ben’s family was gone, except Rey. Maybe the loneliness was his punishment, like the Force was giving him what it thought he wanted. 

He was alone. Alone with the memories that he carried around, and he knew that was what he deserved. 

Ben sighed. It was no use feeling sorry for himself. He’d done worse to other people. Mourning about what he’d lost, everything he’d had being gone...it was just pointless whining. No use, not at all. Maybe he was a whiny idiot back when he was Kylo, but it was no use if he was at least trying to make up for what he did. 

(Maybe he could also stop by other places. Pay respects to the dead. Including his father. They deserved as much, his victims)

The power cell, emitter matrix, all that was easy to gather from the footlocker. Ben wondered if the previous Jedi Order, led by Arawn Sinn, had left it there for the convenience of everyone who wanted to build a lightsaber. Arawn had talked about, a bit lightheartedly, finding the parts for her own green lightsaber. 

Green. As grateful as Ben was to his uncle, he was hesitant to really accept the idea of a green lightsaber. It reminded him of the night everything ended. 

He thought of orange, oddly enough. An orange lightsaber...it was a bit odd, but it reminded him of Poe, the color orange. The orange flightsuit, the orange-and-white BB unit Ben had made for him...

An orange crystal was here. Even as he finished the process and ignited his steadier, more stable orange lightsaber, Ben couldn’t help but smile at his new work. 

It was a start, at least. 


	3. Lor San Tekka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes back to Tuanul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for descriptions of corpses.

_It was months or so after the Battle of Crait that he came in contact with Poe Dameron again._

_Outer space was pure chaos, different ships all but swarming around each other. And he was prepared to face, say, Jessika Pava._

_He wasn’t prepared to face Poe.  
_

_He could feel him through the Force. A presence that after all these months was unfailingly bright. Some cracks in him, but never truly big cracks. Never anything truly terrible.  
_

_It was something, that light, that passion, compassion, everything — it wasn’t just his face. It was his heart, the conviction and hope and belief. How he wouldn’t even be there if not for the fact that he wanted to help people. To save them.  
_

_Kylo ought to have pulled the trigger. Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.  
_

_He couldn’t.  
_

_Torturing Poe had been bad enough. Nearly breaking his mind into small pieces. It was quite another thing to kill him. He was rarer than he knew — did he know?  
_

_He should have let the past die, if not for the fact that on the path to becoming Kylo Ren, Ben Solo would have killed the galaxy to preserve Poe.  
_

_One man.  
_

_It didn’t stop one of his idiotic wingmen, like with General Organa, from firing on Poe. And Jess, in retaliation —_

_She fired on him. Of course he found himself tumbling to the planet below.  
_

I’m sorry, Poe, _he thought despite himself._ For everything...

***

It was when Ben woke up that he saw that he wasn’t in space with Poe, but was instead in the Khoonda building, in one of the rooms that he had rented for the night. He could at least depend on no one bothering him, right then and there. He could depend on being alone. Alone. It seemed to be appropriate, all things considered. His ultimate punishment. Through the walls, he could hear some moof-milker humming, and he knew that Force Choking someone for being annoying wasn’t exactly good guy behavior...

But dear Force, that humming seemed to scrape against his eardrums like sandpaper. 

Ben growled softly, grateful that the light was on. He wasn’t about to sleep with the lights off, yet. After all, he was already sensitive to the dark. Now, remembering a green lightsaber illuminating the darkness, realizing that his Uncle had been in there with him the whole time —

(Then again, Ben thought, it wasn’t like it was his Uncle’s fault. It was Palpatine. All of it)

But he took a datapad from the drawer — a blank one, he noticed. A lot of deleted entries. Ben frowned; who exactly left their datapad in a drawer without so much as being careful?

Still, he could make it his own. 

_Our hero, everyone — stealing datapads from drawers_...

Then again, could he really be called a hero?

Trying, maybe. Not a hero. On the road to being a hero. 

He began typing. 

_Things I need to do:_

_-Take down the First Order. (Obviously)_

_-Pay my respects to Dad, and Mom, and Uncle Luke. Assuming there’s anything to bury.  
_

_\+ How? Obviously can’t go waltzing into the Base on Pasaana. Assuming Poe’s still there..._

Ben froze. Facing Rey was one thing. Facing Poe...he had hurt Poe. Betrayed him. Let Rey kiss him — granted, she’d turned out to be his cousin, but still...

And how would he be able to explain half the things he’d done? Explain the shame?

_* Alderaan’s obviously gone. Tatooine’s a stupid idea — Mom was a slave there for some time. Chandrila could work.  
_

_\+ Dad — go to Corellia. (If I can start a revolution for Proxima’s scumrats, that’s good too)_

_\+ Voe, Tai and Hennix — Maybe make markers for them, on Adani. I need that, and so do they.  
_

_\+ Tuanul — See if I can visit there. Make reparations._

It dawned on him how destructive he’d been, and how cruel. Snoke had said the villagers were complicit in hiding terrorists, but thinking back to their terrified screams...he had done terrible things. To innocents. To people who had done nothing wrong except be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

All because of wasting so much time on his anger against his uncle, his desire to make him hurt...

Tuanul it was then. That was first on his list. 

***

Tuanul was still in ruins. It was one of those things where standing among it, Ben wondered how he was going to make amends. Like trying to use a paper wall to stop a tsunami. He walked among the corpses, now skeletons. Skeletons. He hadn’t ordered all of them killed, but...

(And Poe...he’d been begging Kylo to stop. He’d been pleading with him to spare the villagers, just one...and it had touched something inside Kylo, despite himself. There was no backing out, though. No going home)

He didn’t even know all their names. 

It dawned on him that this had been a _statistic_. Snoke had tried justifying things like this to him by saying that the Republic and others did similar things. “ _After all, young Solo, you blow up an enemy warship, you’re considered a hero, aren’t you?_ ”

They didn’t deserve it, though. No one did. 

Scavenging around (scavenging. Ben supposed it was ironic, considering he had mocked Rey for scavenging) for equipment, Ben found a shovel. In bad shape, but it was enough to form a mass grave when he was done, exhausted, his hands aching, his shoulders aching, but...it was enough. 

He buried the skeletons, covered them. And he stuck a marker in there too. A marker that said IN MEMORY OF THE TUANUL MASSACRE. 

He had to say some words. To Lor, to others. Although...how did he say everything he was supposed to say in so many words?

”Lor,” he said, “I did...terrible things. You don’t know how many, no doubt.”

No answer. 

”It was Uncle Luke,” Ben said. “But it wasn’t him. Palpatine manipulated us both, and it...shouldn’t have happened. I hurt so many people. Some things I was forced to do, but other stuff...I was angry. So angry. And so many people who didn’t deserve it suffered for it.”

Silence. 

”Uncle Tekkie,” Ben said, “You weren’t...you weren’t wrong, in the end. I couldn’t deny the truth that was my family. How much they loved me, even in the end. You were right, Lor. I...” His breathing hitched. He could already feel the tears threatening to come. “You were right, Lor. You were right.”

A tear fell down his cheek, then the other. He wiped them away, furiously. Now...now, he had to find a place to rest for the night. His ship was a good place. 

He could feel the ship humming around him, encircling him, and he could swear that he was too exhausted to really fight the waves of sleep pulling him under. 

His dreams were full of Poe. 


	4. Trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s time on Jakku doesn’t go the way he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for suicidal ideation and descriptions of what’s basically a Trauma Button.

In the morning, Ben got up, and he could already feel the loneliness of the ship surrounding him. He thought absently of the _Millennium Falcon,_ and it dawned on him that he missed it. The spacious insides, the main hold that seemed to hold so many people. Playing dejarik with Chewie, and the Wookiee (apparently unusually) letting him win. Playing sabaac with his father, helping him fix the Falcon, showing Poe how to fix the Falcon —

Again, maybe it was some sort of punishment. A punishment for his own stupidity, his own malice, his own evil. If he hadn’t —

Where was Poe now? Was he happy? Maybe he was with Zorii. It hurt, but maybe that was what Poe deserved: better. Maybe he was happy. Maybe...

Maybe Zorii would make him happy. Do what Ben could never do. What he’d been unable to do, in the end. 

***

Venturing out into Niima Outpost was something, Ben would say that. Even as he looked around, hood drawn back, he wondered absently if that was what it was like for Rey, growing up in such a place. (What were her parents thinking?)

The vendor was a Crolute. Unkar Plutt, Ben learned. “Fresh blood, eh?” Plutt said. 

Ben nodded. “You could say that.” He wondered, absently, how far Jakku was out there, if they even had heard of the First Order. Seen his face. “What do I have to do to get...portions around here?”

”Simple. You go out into the desert, and you fetch me something. Something valuable, of course. Nothing junk.”

”Define ‘junk’.”

”Anything useless, of course! Simple, new meat!”

Ben frowned, but nodded. 

***

Getting the necessary scavenger gear on was something, Ben could say that. Even as he headed out towards the speeder, he wondered, absently, if that was what it had been like for Rey. Even though her parents no doubt thought it was for the best (and why was “they did their best” the default excuse for parents when they had kriffed up?), they had still hurt her. They had still left scars that were, no doubt, yet to heal. 

He headed out towards the most recent find — a Star Destroyer. No doubt fallen from...somewhere. A remnant of the battle with the First Order. For a moment, Ben wondered if it was Poe’s doing...and he almost smiled. 

Then heading in...well, what would Rey do in this situation? She’d probably scan the area, find something that was of use...

He’d have to find the one that seemed valuable. It was there that he found it — a Sith wayfinder that had fallen out of the Star Destroyer’s navicomputer. 

That could work. 

***

”Well, that was fast, fresh meat,” Plutt said when he got back. “I’d say this is worth...twenty-five portions.”

”Thank you." 

It was then that he felt a faint stirring in the Force. Not immediate danger, but definitely danger there. “Is that...”

”Oh, those are stormtroopers. They’ve been there,” Plutt paused, “Ever since that girl stole my ship.”

So somehow Plutt had gotten his hands on the Falcon. Ben supposed he owed Rey one for stealing it back. 

Plutt continued. “They don’t bother me as much, but they are kind of creepy...”

Looking over at the stormtroopers, Ben couldn’t help but feel creeped out for a different reason. After all, they were as much prisoners as anything, weren’t they? He had never liked the idea of child soldiers, though he had justified it to himself as Hux lacking pragmatism...

Now...now he knew it wasn’t the truth. 

And then the stormtroopers cocked their blasters at him. Shot. 

Ben froze the shots in mid-air —

— _freezing Poe’s blaster shot in mid-air, freezing Poe in the process, the look of helplessness, of shock —_

_— the stormtroopers, hauling Poe towards Kylo and forcing him to his knees —_

_— later, drawing memory after memory from his head —_

Ben jolted away from the stormtroopers just then, turned to Plutt. “You — take them into custody,” he said. “Contact the Republic; they should take care of it.”

”Who _are you_?” Plutt said. He really did sound frightened in that moment. 

Ben said, “Jacen.” It was the first thing to come to mind. Then, “Jacen Zordani.”

Tai’s last name had been Zordani. It seemed fitting enough. 

***

Stumbling back to the ship, Ben started it up, setting the coordinates to Elphrona. He was already reproving himself for his own cowardice, for his own weakness — someone truly on the path to redemption would face his mistakes, would face the pain that came with it. 

But Poe...

Ben wasn’t crying, but even as his shoulders shook, he wondered if he was having some sort of panic attack. Remembering what he’d done, remembering how he’d hurt Poe, hurt the man he loved —

Who did that to the man they loved? To someone they loved? When had Kylo Ren gotten so weak, so unable to fight against Snoke — and Snoke had taught him that trick — and it had taken a shock of Force Lightning and threatening Poe’s life to get him to comply — and why hadn’t he just run away, why was he such a coward —

Why did Luke bring him back to life? For that matter, why didn’t Poe hurt him when he had the chance?

He couldn’t go back to Poe. He just...maybe he could fulfill his mission to take down the First Order and then he could die. That was the only reason Uncle Luke had brought him back, right?

He just knew, in the end, he couldn’t go back. Poe deserved better — and Ben would give him that, at least. 


	5. Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes to Elphrona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Ren’s ultimate fate is based on a cameo by Darth Nihilus in one of the Legacy comics as well as a sidequest with Ajunta Pall in the first KOTOR.

Elphrona. Ben hadn’t been there in such a long time. In...seven years, actually. Even as he stepped out of the ship, into the ruins, he couldn’t help but notice the crumbled statues, the long worn away skeleton of Hennix. 

He hadn’t meant to kill Hennix, but did it really matter, in the end? He looked at the bisected now-skeleton — and it occurred to him that Hennix had been his friend. 

He set up an impromptu funeral pyre for Hennix. Watched as the skeleton burned away. 

”Hennix,” he began, “I wish I could say how sorry I am. There were so many things about this that were just...wrong.”

No answer. 

”You deserved better than this, Hennix. I just hope...I just hope that wherever you are, you are at peace. I don’t blame you. For any of it.”

No answer, though Ben could swear that he felt a faint breeze on the back of his neck. 

It was later he found Ren’s helmet. He didn’t know what he was thinking, trying it on, but really — maybe he needed closure, even in the most bizarre of ways?

Ren’s voice. _Hey, kid. Long time no see, huh? Well, I can’t see you, but still..._

”How are you still here?” Ben said. 

_You know those rumors about Darth Nihilus preserving his consciousness in his armor? It’s kind of like that. It was how I managed to communicate with you — when you put my helmet on_. 

“Sure, let’s go with it.”

 _Gotta say, kid — you let me down. Snoke too_. 

A hot fire bristled in Ben. “You _both_ let me down,” he said. “Killing Tai, my friend, putting me through what you did...”

_It was just training, wasn’t it?_

”What about what Snoke made me do to Poe Dameron? To my father? What about the fact that he made sure that what I did just...didn’t matter?”

 _You were always too soft, kid_. 

“Yeah. Maybe I wasn’t a good Light Sider, or a good Dark Sider. A good Jedi, or a good Knight of Ren. But...I’m me now. I’m me.” A beat. “What about you, Ren? Are you happy with your choices?"

Silence. Then, _Not really, kid_. 

“Why did you make them?”

_For reasons some other Dark Siders did: I thought I could make the galaxy better. I was certain in life, but death? That’s another story entirely. You ever heard the story of Ajunta Pall, kid? Took dying for him to realize that what he did wasn’t worth it..._

Ben swallowed. It was something, all things considered, that struck too close to home even though his death was temporary. “I could bring you back.”

 _Kid, don’t._ Ren sounded so tired. _I made my bed. I have to lie in it_. 

“That story of Ajunta Pall...you know how it ended, right?” Ben said. “Revan saved him. It isn’t too late to go back.”

Silence. Then, _My master, Ekari...that’s all I want to do. See her again. I used to be a Jedi, before everything went wrong. I didn’t kill her but I good as did.  
_

Ben swallowed past the lump in his throat even as he saw Ren, younger, fighting against his Master, a beautiful woman with black hair bound back. The explosion — even Ren wasn't sure who set it off. And waking up to realize that the Force had spared his life — but not his Master’s. 

”Even if she doesn’t forgive you,” Ben said, “You have to try, right?”

 _And what about you, kid?_

”That’s different,” Ben said. “I have...things to do.”

 _I’m just saying that do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do isn’t a good practice_. 

A beat. 

_Try, kid. And while you’re at it...destroy my helmet. It’s the best thing to do...just to let me go._

“How?” Then it dawned on Ben. He never thought that a deed he’d done when mad at Snoke would actually come in handy, right then and there, but...

He took off Ren’s helmet. Smashed it, mashed it into the ground — and it was then that Ren’s energy, Ren’s consciousness, emerged.

”Not bad, kid,” Ren said. Somehow, he wasn’t badly burned like before. Somehow, he looked better — his skin healthy, whole. “And now...?”

”Go,” Ben said. “Find your Master. You deserve as much.” A beat. “Be at peace.”

Ren’s spirit dissolved in that moment. For a moment, Ben saw something that he never thought he’d see from Ren — a look of peace. 

The helmet was in ruins. Ben threw the remains over the edge, and at least, he could say, that Ren was at peace. 

Still...could he go home? Find Poe again? Could he do as he said, also as he did? 

Maybe he would, he thought. Eventually. For now, he had miles to go...before home. 


	6. Qi’ra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes to Corellia and reunites with an old relative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for descriptions of an anxiety attack. I am hoping that I don’t get angry comments about Kylo saying certain things to Poe in the flashbacks, especially since it really is a case of Kylo having some serious self-loathing and taking it out on people like Poe and Rey. So it has a point, story-wise. 
> 
> On a lighter note, Qi’ra and Ben’s dynamic was one of my favorites to write.

_It was Kylo Ren who woke first from the ship crash. Even making his way from the ruins of his TIE Silencer, he found Poe — prone, unconscious. He hadn’t carried him on Jakku. It would have been impractical._

_It seemed he would have to carry him now. Even as he fished Poe out of the X-wing (was it his third that got destroyed? Kylo wondered if the Force seemed to have a grudge against Black One), he was struck by how fragile Poe seemed. How delicate. And yet so strong. This was a man who had never ceased to be bright, determined, loving, even despite everything —_

_It dawned on Kylo how dangerously close he’d come to vanishing Poe’s light.  
_

_So he carried him. He wasn’t redeeming himself; he knew he was too disgusting, too dark, to redeem himself. He just knew that he wasn’t about to let Poe die._

***

Ben woke in that moment, finding that he was still in his ship, and not on that planet with Poe, with Poe’s unconscious body. He rubbed his temples, it dawning on him just how far away he was from Poe. Dawning on him how Poe —

He could go back. Eventually. Not because he deserved it, but because Poe did. Of course it was. Even as he headed towards the cockpit — he had set the coordinates to Corellia earlier — he found himself wondering if it was a good idea. His father had hated that place, he’d said as much to Ben. “ _Everything I’m doing is so you don’t have to go through what I did_ ,” he’d said to Ben once. 

It dawned on Ben how much Snoke had been lying to him about his father. He’d realized that on Kef Bir and that had been why he’d turned back — the main, overarching reason — but it hit him full force in that moment.   
  


***

When he met Qi’ra on Corellia, it was seeing the flash of a repurposed Sith lightsaber taking down Corellian guards trying to beat him up. Qi’ra was older now, older than Han had been when Ben had killed him, beautiful in the way that silk hiding durasteel was beautiful. 

“Ben?” she said. “Is that you? You...but you’re bleeding, so you’ve got to be real...”

”It’s a long story. I didn’t think you’d want to see me again after what I did...”

”It wasn’t all right,” Qi’ra said, “But I guess I just want answers. How could you be Kylo Ren?”

***

”It would be hypocritical to criticize you,” Qi’ra said, even as Ben healed his wounds; it was a bit tiring, but it was a far cry from having to resurrect a dead girl. “All things considered. I mean...I was Darth Maul’s apprentice...”

”How is Aunt Enfys?” Ben said. 

”Back on Savareen. I thought that I’d come back. Retrace Han’s steps.”

”I thought I’d pay my father respects after...”

 _After_ that. 

”I just want to know why.” Qi’ra sounded genuinely sorrowful, for him. Ben could imagine that she could see traces of herself in him — the girl who’d been molding herself into weapon after weapon in order to survive. 

”It’s okay to hate me,” Ben said. “I killed my father, when he was nothing but kind to me.”

”It was a test, wasn’t it?”

How did she know that, Ben wondered. 

Qi’ra went on. “The Dark Side is...not that different from the Light, in places. It has that fear...that fear of better emotions. Attachments. Attachments are as part of us as breathing, as the beating of our heart. Without it...attachments saved me, when it came to Enfys. Attachments saved your father, when it came to your mother. Attachments, as much as I am loathe to say it, saved your grandfather.”

Slowly, Ben nodded. 

Qi’ra said, “That girl...you had some sort of attachment to her?”

”Platonic,” Ben said. “Later familial. She had feelings for me, of course. It wasn’t her fault; she was young, and she was lonely, and she needed someone who was as alone and gifted as she was. Her equal, of sorts. I did want her on my side because she was gifted, and strong, but...my feelings never went beyond that.”

Qi’ra sighed. “So the rumors on Corellia that you had Force sex with her on Exegol and she’s bearing your Force child — ”

“I would never do what my great-grandfather did to my great-grandmother,” Ben said. “The very idea is disgusting. I would never, physically, rape someone.”

He paused. Was what he did to Poe any different? No genitals were involved, of course, but he had invaded Poe’s mind. Of course, Snoke had threatened Poe if he didn’t comply but...even so, did it count as mind rape, if you had the threat of harm over your head? Of course, Ben had heard of forcing someone else to rape another prisoner; he knew some of the more psychopathic First Order officers (that even Hux was disgusted by) would have that as a tactic, mostly prisoner-on-prisoner. But it wasn’t like there was a blaster to Kylo Ren’s head, a lightsaber to his throat. Or a blaster to Poe’s head, a lightsaber to his throat. Had Kylo Ren just been a coward?

“Did something happen?” Qi’ra said. 

”I hurt Poe,” Ben said. “Really badly.”

”How?”

”Well, it’s a story about a monster. A monster, and the man who was giving everything to look for him...”

He spoke then. Remembered Snoke’s looming, holographic face. Remembered his voice, rumbling out a veiled threat to execute Poe. Remembered wanting to pull back, Snoke ordering him, inside his head, to keep going — although then again, given Palpatine’s revelation, it very well could have been him too...

”I was a coward,” Ben said. “A complete, Force-forsaken coward. I couldn’t have just done the right thing and left...”

He thought, impulsively, of what would have happened if he had had the courage to leave. If he hadn’t been so weak. Maybe he and Poe would have been happy. Maybe he and Poe would have fought, side by side, maybe he would have reconciled with his family earlier...

”You caused pain and endured it,” Qi’ra said. “You could say that once upon a time, I was a lot like you, Ben.”

”You didn’t...torture my father.”

”I have plenty of stuff in my past that isn’t that,” Qi’ra said. “But I was redeemed, Ben. Your Aunt Enfys saved me. She saw someone who had been mistreated by Proxima, who had done horrible things to survive...and she loved me all the same.” Her voice became almost shaky in that moment. “Me, of all people."

”Of course she’d see the good in you — ”

“Then why are you an exception, Ben? Your uncle Luke saw the good in your grandfather, and he killed children. Almost wiped out a whole species.”

”I thought, after Uncle Luke had that moment that night...that there had to be something wrong with me that my family didn’t want me...”

“Ben Solo, your family always wanted you,” Qi’ra said. “Your father did. Your mother did. Aunt Enfys, me, Uncle Lando...there wasn’t a member of your family who didn’t want you. Even Uncle Luke...Palpatine tricked you into thinking that, didn’t he? Because he wanted to have you all to himself. It’s what manipulators do.”

Had he done the same thing to Rey? The knowledge his family hadn’t hated him was comforting, but...

”I nearly did the same thing to Rey,” Ben said. “I think my logic, Kylo’s logic...it was the idea that Uncle Luke loved her, in a way he never could me. That I was alone in the galaxy...and she wasn’t.”

Qi’ra nodded. “I don’t think you can be solidly classified as a villain or a victim, Ben,” she said. “You suffered pain and you caused it. You could say that you’re working to be a better, more complete man.”

”I’m...” Trying? There was no try, was there? “It’s a work in progress,” Ben said. “I know that.”

”And that’s what really matters, doesn’t it?” Qi’ra said. “That you’re on that road.”

She hugged Ben. It occurred to Ben that this was the first time he’d really been hugged in a while — like a mother would, in a way. His mother was gone. Again, because of him. 

Should she have lived, and he should have died? After all, he had caused so much anguish to her, going against her beliefs, betraying her. Even if Palpatine had moved the pieces into place...

Eventually, Ben drew away. “I still have stuff to do,” he said. “I have to...pay Dad my respects.”

”Ben, of all the places to do it,” Qi’ra said, “It’s not here. Your father hated Corellia. I might have come back here to retrace his steps, of sorts, but Corellia...he hated the place. Hated having to steal to survive. We both did. I think that if anything, paying your respects to him on, say, Chandrila...that would work. It was one place it would help.”

”Yeah,” Ben said. Then, “There’s another thing, Aunt Qi’ra. I don’t know if it was all in my head or what...but I saw my father. It was on Kef Bir, where the second Death Star crashed. And I saw my father. He...I didn’t expect it, but he gave me a chance. Said that even though my mother was dead because of me — ”

“She made a choice,” Qi’ra said. “Because she loved you and believed in you.”

”Snoke said that she had replaced me. That she was using Poe as a replacement for me...”

”Then he lied.” Qi’ra’s voice was calm, but Ben could feel the anger underneath. Not at him, but at Snoke. “Did Poe...do I need to give him a piece of my mind?”

Ben thought back to when they had crash-landed on the planet together. 

***  
  
“ _And I don’t know what my — what Leia Organa would see in you!” Kylo shouted. “Did she just want a replacement? Someone who was perfect, someone who would dance to her tune without so much as any hesitation? Never mind that you’re a_ sycophant, _a_ hypocrite, _someone who’d sacrifice his own men because he didn’t give a damn about them — ”_

_“What’s wrong with you, Ben?”_

_”Does the name ‘Paige Tico’ ring a bell?”_

_Rey had wept openly when he’d been cruel to her. Poe — he actually looked on the brink of a panic attack, trembling and shaking — and even Kylo could see that he had made a grievous mistake.  
_

_He’d made Poe suffer enough.  
_

_”Poe?” he said. “I — I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”_

_”You’re one to talk,” Poe said. “At least I didn’t kill my own father because I liked it.”_

_”That’s...inaccurate.”_

_Poe kept talking, hurriedly, rapidly. “I didn’t enjoy...what happened to Paige. I had no choice — we had to destroy a Dreadnaught, she was the only bomber left, they were killing so many of them. And I didn’t want her to die. I didn’t want any of them to die.”_

_”Poe...”_

_”And your mother doesn’t care. She loves you. Even after you killed her husband. Even after you tried to kill us all.”_

_”That’s a lie.” And yet Kylo could sense that Poe wasn’t lying. Not even a little.  
_

_”I don’t hate the First Order. I just hate what they do...but I don’t hate them...”_

_”Just...try breathing.”_

_”Breathing isn’t gonna bring Paige back.”_

_”I’m not doing it for that,” Kylo said. “I’m doing it so you don’t break.” Because if Poe broke, he wouldn’t be Poe anymore, and that Kylo doubted was acceptable.  
_

_He could sense Poe’s hesitation. Then, after several deep breaths, Poe said, “You didn’t have any problem torturing me.”_

_”I did. Have a problem, that is." Kylo took a deep breath. “I couldn’t do it. It was why I didn’t come to you for a long time.” He thought of how he’d had no issue immediately probing Rey’s mind on Takodana, of drawing his lightsaber to make a point. Should he have done the same with Poe, on Jakku? Should he have?_

_”So you let the stormtroopers do it.” Poe said. There was a tightness to his voice, a thinly concealed grief and anger._

_“I did.”_

_Kylo looked at the healed scars near Poe’s lower lip, near his temple, and he was grateful that Poe didn’t know how much he wanted to kiss them, to heal them with kisses and caresses._

_"I was...indecisive,” Kylo said. “And Snoke...”_

_”What?”_

_Should he tell Poe? Should he give him a new overload of information to cope with?  
_

_”We’ll need to find shelter,” he said. ”I guess for the moment, our goals are to work together.”_

_”If you betray me again, I’ll do what I have to.”_

_”I thought so.”_

***

“He didn’t really think of himself that way,” Ben said. “I think my mother treated us both unfairly in different ways.”

“I think so,” Qi’ra said. “Your mother...she was heroic, but she wasn’t perfect. Not really.” Then, “Still, I can say that we can pay respects to them on Chandrila. If we have anything of their possessions to bury.”

”We?”

”I thought you’d need company,” Qi’ra said. “You don’t have to walk this road on your own, Ben. Snoke and Palpatine made you think you’re alone, when in fact you have the biggest family in the galaxy.”

Ben frowned in thought. Now that he thought about it, it could be a good way to prove the voices in his mind wrong. Not to mention having someone to stop him. He didn’t have anyone to stop him last time around. 

”We have a deal,” he said. 

Qi’ra did smile, and for a moment, Ben could see the woman from his youth, the younger woman she had been. “To Chandrila? We’ll have to come back to Corellia and make things right...”

”Yeah,” Ben said. “We will.”


	7. Petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qi’ra and Ben pay their respects to Ben’s parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_“Looks like we made it, at least,” Poe said to Kylo. “To shelter.” He turned to look at him. “Last time we did this you were with the Jedi.”_

_Kylo could only imagine that Poe was picturing that daft, foolish face, a face that deserved to be dead, over the face that was there. Like Poe wanted, inexplicably, Ben back.  
_

_Why would he want that? After all, Ben Solo was weak. Stupid. A fiction that had been constructed by people who were too idiotic to picture anything else.  
_

_”That was a long time ago,” Kylo said. “Maybe you’re supposed to focus only on the now.”_

_”I didn’t know you could just shed parts of your identity like that.”_

_”Snakes shed their skin.” And of course, when snakes felt sufficiently wounded, they would lash out, get malicious._

_”You’re not a snake, Ben.”_

_”The girl was stupid enough to call me that,” Kylo said. “Don’t you dare.”_

_"Yeah, well...maybe she believed in you at some point. I still do.”_

_He could see it, something that looked like anger overlying Poe’s face — something wounded underneath.  
_

_”I didn’t want to hurt you.” Kylo sat down, feeling suddenly more tired than he had ever been. “I still don’t.”_

_”You did anyway."_

_”What do you want me to tell you? That I wanted to take you and run away, but I felt chained?”_

_He swore that the anger was softening. Poe was still hurting. Kylo knew that.  
_

_”It wasn’t your fault,” Kylo said. “I know that much. You were strong, Poe — you fought and defied me. Just because you didn’t win...you’re not weak.”_

_”Why are you telling me this? You, of all people?"_

_”Because I wanted to say it.” Kylo thought back to the interrogation room, Poe’s face a mess of tears...how he had induced brief unconsciousness in Poe just to give him some respite. “Where...you could hear it this time. I told you you weren’t weak the first time, but...you weren’t conscious to hear it.”_

_”Why didn’t you tell me when I_ could _hear it?”_

_Kylo couldn’t find an answer to that. Nothing that was sufficient, at least._

***

”Ben?” Qi’ra said. Her voice cut through the fog of memories, through the mist of sleep. “We’re coming up on Chandrila.”

”Right.” Ben got to his feet, stumbled towards the cockpit. Even watching as the planet came into view, he couldn’t help but think of the beaches that he had gone to with Poe when they were still children. Qi’ra and Ben guided the ship in, letting it dock there, near the oceans. Ben got out just then — it dawned on him that the clothes he was wearing felt almost like insulation, preventing him from feeling sand beneath his feet or water between his toes. 

He supposed there was some symbolism that he couldn’t appreciate. 

”You know, I remember when you and Poe used to come here,” Qi’ra said. “You were sweet kids.” She was smiling faintly in that moment. “I know you adored him with all your being.”

”I still do.” Ben looked out at the ocean, at the waves lapping at the shore, all but trickling. “Rey...I am grateful for her kindness, but she didn’t know me very well. I think she more saw the image of Ben Solo — something I never wanted to be. Not that I wanted to be Kylo, but still. But Poe — he knew me. He knew me, inside and out, truer than any dyad could be. Rey saw an image, an impression. Poe saw all of me. And...I think I only saw an image, an impression, of her, while with Poe I saw all of him.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “And I hurt him so badly. He should cut me out of his life just for that.”

”We’ll get there,” Qi’ra said, "When we get there."

***

They tossed Chandrilan flower petals out on the ocean, and Ben could almost imagine that they were throwing out ashes over the water. Throwing out pieces and bits of memories of Ben’s parents — of Han, indulgently letting Ben follow him around. Of Leia, teaching him Alderaanian poetry. Of Han, teaching him about the Falcon, letting him play with the shiny golden dice. 

Ben sighed. “It almost helps,” he said. “Almost. It gives me some closure.” He looked out across the water, across the sky. 

”I’ll have to come back to Poe,” he said. “At some point." 

Even if Poe didn’t forgive him, even if nothing was the same afterwards...he had to try. 


	8. Next Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qi’ra and Ben plan their next move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They walked away from the ocean lapping against the shore, and there was a moment, just a brief moment, where Ben could say that he had found peace. When he could say that he had resolved at least something or other. He wondered if he would be able to see his mother’s ghost across the way, or his uncle’s, or his grandfather’s. They’d have to be at peace now. He knew that much. 

He was at least glad for that. 

Qi’ra put a hand on his shoulder. “We still have a lot to do,” she said. 

Ben nodded. “A lot of miles to go, right?”

”Yes.” Qi’ra sighed as she spoke. “A lot of miles. We should probably get back to the ship; I think we can talk about this more."

***

”Just because I’m not Supreme Leader anymore, just because Palpatine’s gone...it doesn’t mean that everything’s gonna be all right. The First Order’s still out there,” Ben said. “I...might have put them at different outposts.” A bitter smile. “Best case scenario is them realizing the error of their ways but...that didn’t work out with the Knights of Ren.”

”What do you mean?” Qi’ra said. 

”Well, I thought they’d...rebel with me. Go against Palpatine. But they didn’t.” A beat. “I wish I’d been able to save them. Did you know their leader got quite a few of them from bad backgrounds?”

”You defended yourself, Ben.”

”I know. There’s still a lot about that Exegol fight I wish had gone right, of course.” A sigh. “I wish I’d been able to see Poe there, for example.”

”But you live. Now.” Qi’ra said. “And we have work to do, but we can find our way home to Poe when the time is right.” A beat. “Okay...so we need to start making lists. Where’s a good place to start?"

”I’d say Kijimi, but...Palpatine destroyed it.” Even as Kylo Ren, when he would have hated Kijimi if only by association, just for the horrible memories it had with both Ben and Poe...he wouldn’t have wanted it to be destroyed. He wasn’t that kind of man. 

He’d been relieved, really, when Starkiller Base had collapsed. Poe had done the right thing, and he was proud of him if only for that. Even as Hux had carried him to his shuttle, Kylo had wished that he could tell Poe what a good job he’d done. 

He had, when they’d crash-landed together. 

***

“ _You did...the right thing. Destroying Starkiller Base_.”

_Poe winced, a bit visibly. “Just don’t.” There was something about it where Kylo wondered if he was already getting uncomfortable with the idea of Kylo complimenting him, even when Kylo was being sincere.  
_

_(“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance onboard.”)_

_(“I’m impressed. No one’s been able to get out of you what you did with the map.”)_

_(Just to name two)_

_”Is it regret?”_

_”Last time you said something good about me you tortured me.”_

_Silence._

_”I didn’t like it,” Kylo said. “I can assure you that making you cry wasn’t...something I wanted."_

_"Then why?” Poe pressed, just with those words. So much like Rey, though Rey was more sad. Poe was hurt, and wanting some sort of reminder of that stupid dead boy, wanting to bring him back to life..._

_With Rey, he had dodged the question. Taken the coward’s way out. Here, he couldn’t bear to say it. His own weakness, his own cowardice, his own inability to fight Snoke, in front of him. Would Poe gloat about it?  
_

_”Well?” Poe said._

***

”They destroyed Kijimi. Right.” Qi’ra took a deep breath. “I heard that Poe’s trying to get a colony rebuilt in regards to Kijimi.”

”That sounds like him.” Poe, wonderful, vibrant Poe, who would be willing to give anyone a second chance no matter his memories of them. No matter his history with them. “I...can’t talk with Poe. Not really. But I can at least send him something. Some sort of letter. Some sort of...something.”

***

 _Poe_ , 

_You could say that rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. I’m not coming back yet; in fact, I don’t know if I am, ever. I still have a lot of stuff to do. I still have things I need to complete, taking down the First Order.  
_

_There’s a lot of wrong that I did. Including to you. I wish I’d known how much you loved me, how much you were willing to search for me. I wish I’d been...alert enough to know. I’m sorry that so many things I did were for you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I did...everything._

_I'm just going to clean up some loose ends. Please...don’t follow me. I still have a lot to do.  
_

_Yours,_

_Ben_

_***  
_

_”_ It won’t deter him, the stubborn, beautiful fool,” Ben muttered. “I saw his mind. I saw how much he was willing to search for me. It was one of those reasons he went to Tuanul. Because he...”

”Ben?” Qi’ra said softly. 

”Because he loved me. Me, of all people.”

”You think you’re unworthy of being loved?” Qi’ra said. 

”I _know_ it. I’m not worthy to be loved by him." A sigh. “Maybe one day, I'll stop thinking of him.”

Qi’ra leaned forward. “I have a feeling he loves you. I think you could count on one hand the people he doesn’t love.”

”Yeah.” Then, “If he tracks me across the galaxy, I’ll just fly faster.”

”You can’t just run from your problems.”

”I’d do anything to fix them. Fix the galaxy, make everything right. Fix myself.”

”Maybe you don’t have to fix everything alone.” Qi’ra said softly.

"I’m not alone,” Ben said. “I have you.”

Silence. 

”There’s First Order troops on different planets,” Ben said. “Stormtrooper facilities too. So many places we just have to get rid of." A beat. “We’re gonna have to make a list.”

Planet after planet. Place after place. Soldier after soldier after soldier. Even as Ben wrote them down, Qi’ra helping, he found that having a plan was soothing, in its own right. 

”We have a place to start,” Qi’ra said. “That's a plus.” Then, “Let’s go make things right.”

Ben nodded. 


	9. Agape, Eros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Not gonna lie, Poe saying he appreciates his friends was my favorite part of this chapter. I love this character. 😁

“Kriff!”

Even as Poe held the datapad, there was a moment, just a moment, when he wanted to throw it across the room. He wasn’t usually that type; even when he'd made a scene on the Raddus bridge he was under significant emotional duress. So he held it. Let his hands shake as he read the words that felt like being stabbed again. 

”Master Poe?” Threepio said. “Are you all right?"

”Yeah. Fine.” _Wanting to throw this datapad across the room aside, of course..._

Threepio muttered something about “if he says so”, but he didn’t press the matter. 

Was Ben really that stupid? Was he about to really, honestly, say “Don’t follow me” and expect Poe to actually go “Oh, okay”? It hadn’t worked last time (and when Poe had been unable to follow him, it had been because he'd been preoccupied with other things) and it wouldn’t work now. 

He couldn’t abandon the rebuilding Republic. But then again, was him being a leader something he even wanted? Was he even equipped to be a Chancellor? The Resistance had shoved him into this role like a square peg in a round hole, without any consideration as to how he felt, without thinking, without anything. 

In the end, he simply was Poe Dameron, who wanted the man he loved back. 

***

”Zorii, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Zorii had her helmet off, and she was sitting on the bench with Poe. “You look like you haven’t slept well, Spice Runner.”

”Yeah, I guess not. Look...I have to find a...friend of mine.”

Zorii tilted her head. “It’s that Ben kid, isn’t it?”

Silence. 

”I’m not an idiot, Spice Runner. I mean...you kept some stuff he gave you when you were kids, right?”

”Guilty.” He hadn’t shown Zorii it, but she knew he had it. Knew how important Ben really was to him. ”Thing is...I know you had feelings for me when we were both teens, but — ”

“Spice Runner, I got over that long ago.” Then, “You’re a good man. Good to a fault, I'd say. But...I’m more of a Jessika Pava person.”

Silence. 

”Jess...?” Poe said. “I mean, I’m happy for both of you, don’t get me wrong — ”

“We met,” Zorii said. “At the party. She’s...gorgeous. Can fly a hell of an X-wing. Charming. I don’t wanna move too quickly, though; apparently her girlfriend died taking out a Dreadnaught, so...”

Poe nodded, grimly. “I know.” Then, “If you’re asking me for flirting tips, I’m bad at it.”

”Figured that. Your flirting skills are pretty dreadful.”

Poe did laugh. "Obviously.” Then, “Ben died...without knowing I loved him. He’s back, but...I just failed him so badly, Zorii. I never want him to go without knowing how I feel about him, ever again.”

”He hurt you pretty badly.”

”He didn’t want to.”

”Well, yeah,” Zorii said. “He still hurt you.” A beat. “I won’t tell you what to think or feel. Loving someone isn’t really logical. You love them because you can’t help loving. I just...don’t want you to get hurt. You’re my friend. You were a pinpoint of sanity when we were both on Kijimi, I know that.”

”Same with you.” Then, “Don’t worry. If he hurts me...I guess I’ll fight him and learn my lesson.”

“And I’ll kick his cargo hold.”

”Don’t hurt him too bad.”

”Not permanently." Zorii said it lightly, but Poe had a feeling that she wasn’t entirely joking. 

They weren’t lovers, not really, but no one said that a friendship couldn’t be fulfilling too. 

***

He was about to head off with BB-8 after getting him from Rey when Rey said, “I’m going with you.”

”You?”

Rey laughed, a bit strained. “I lost my whole family last time; I’m not doing it again."

Rey wasn’t wrong. She’d lost her parents. She’d lost Luke, Leia, Han, Ben...even Palpatine, at least with the concept that Rey could have had a grandfather who loved and cared about her. 

"I’m going with Rey,” Finn said. “I don’t like...Ben, but I’m not being split up from Rey again.”

Poe didn’t miss that smile from Rey, that honestly grateful smile, in Finn’s direction. 

”I’m in.” Rose Tico said. Jannah was with her; Poe didn’t miss how they were holding hands. “I’m not being left out again.”

Kaydel Ko Connix and Beaumont Kin showed up. “Poe,” Kaydel said, “I believed in you from the start. I don’t know Ben, or even like him, but I’m not letting you go it alone.”

Zorii and Jess joined too. Kare Kun. Lando Calrissian. Chewbacca. Maz Kanata. They stood, and joined the effort. Most for their devotion to Poe, some for their love for Ben. 

Poe swallowed. “Stanging hell, I...you didn’t have to do that. I...I adore you guys. So very much."

”I thought you’d lost your touch for a bit,” Finn teased, and Poe didn’t miss the worry underneath his joke. How much more irritable Poe had been getting. 

”I get that I’ve been...annoying lately,” Poe said. “I haven’t done everything right. But you guys, all of you...you mean the galaxy to me. I haven’t said it enough, but you do.”

”Poe.” Kaydel, gently. “We knew all along. When you went against Holdo, it wasn’t out of ego. You just cared about us and wanted us to be safe. To protect us.”

”Yeah. Like I said, like Kay said...from the start, you’ve meant the galaxy to me.”

And like Ben, albeit in a different way (a way that was more a love for a whole iteration of beings, like Jedi had), Poe Dameron would make damn sure his friends never went without knowing he cared about them, ever again. 


	10. Bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Qi’ra begin their stormtrooper liberation, and Rey lets the cat out of the bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

_“What are you gonna do when we get off this planet?” Poe, talking to him even as they walked up the path to the nearest outpost. “I mean...are we just gonna go back to fighting, like nothing happened?”_

_”Don’t play that card,” Kylo muttered.  
_

_”Don’t play that card? You are — you were my best friend!” Poe, sounding so earnest. So heartbreakingly sincere. “Even after everything you did to me...I just don’t know why I don’t mean at least something to you too!”_

_”That’s a lie and you know it. You...not meaning anything to me that is.”_

_The silence stretched out between them, almost elastic in nature.  
_

_”Why aren’t you telling me why you hurt me?”_

_”Because it’s embarrassing.”_

_“Oh yes, has to be so embarrassing to get the upper hand on someone. So embarrassing to make them look bad...” The acid in Poe’s sarcasm...it sounded wrong. Like Kylo had put it there, somehow.  
_

_”Snoke made me!”_

_Kylo paused, realizing that he had revealed more about himself than he'd wanted to. More truth than he’d intended to. Revealing that in the end, he was a weak failure of a man — not even a man, really.  
_

_Not a Jedi, not a Dark Sider. Not Vader, just a child in a mask.  
_

_At least it would alleviate Poe’s nightmares, knowing that the man who hurt him was nothing more than a failure — and Poe had everything.  
_

_”What?” Poe’s voice, softer now. Confused. Even a bit concerned...for him?_

_"Snoke made me,” Kylo said tightly. “He threatened to have you executed if you didn’t comply. And he kept going on about how if I...hurt you, I’d be stronger. Because you mattered. You, my family, Tai...you all mattered.”_

_It was the closest he could get, really, to saying he loved Poe. Less emotional constipation, more like a giant emotional blockage where he couldn’t just admit he was lost without him._

_”So Snoke...pitted us against each other.” Poe’s voice was soft. Clearly trying to take in information.  
_

_”I don’t know what he did.” A beat. “I am weak, Poe. I could have killed him earlier, and I didn’t have the strength to do it. I should have known what I had to do...don’t pity me, for the Force’s sake!”_

_Of course, considering Poe gave out compassion like fish were damp, it was no use. Kylo tensed as Poe reached towards him, but he couldn’t bring himself to push Poe away, nor did he want to.  
_

_He’d done enough already._

_Poe’s hand was warm on his arm. Kylo knew he didn’t deserve such a thing, but he wanted to keep that sensation just a little while longer._

_At least before they had to walk further up the path._

***

The ship exited from hyperspace to the planet that housed one stormtrooper facility. Even as Ben opened his eyes, he couldn’t help but feel an unexpected pang of loneliness — a feeling like Poe’s hand should just _be_ there, on his arm. Rey’s hand was a promise, a comfort, but Poe's — it felt like the promise of sunlight, of air, that Ben knew he didn’t deserve. Yet. 

But even then, redemption wasn’t about getting sex as a reward. People weren’t machines you put credits in to get prizes of any sort. You redeemed yourself because you genuinely wanted to be a better being. Droid, alien, human — all you wanted to be was better. Revan didn’t redeem himself to get sex from Bastila; he redeemed himself because he wanted to be a better man.

So many across history...they’d wanted to be better. To give back to the galaxy after doing so much wrong. 

It didn’t stop himself from wishing Poe was here. In a kinder galaxy, maybe he and Poe would be on the same side. Poe would be on the same ship as Ben and the whole family would be there. Ben could imagine it, his parents’ banter. Maz, flirting with Chewie. So many things that ought to be there but weren’t. Because of his own...was it understating it to say “stupidity”?

”You look lonely,” Qi’ra said softly. 

”I wish I hadn’t been so stupid, Aunt Qi’ra.” Then, “I know I’m working to make up for it, but I...I wish I hadn’t done it in the first place."

”It isn’t any use wishing that. Time’s as linear as you can get. You can’t...undo what you’ve done.” Qi’ra paused. “But you can find ways to give back to the galaxy. I learned that. I found a way.” A bitter smile. “You know, it is still a blessing that I was a free woman after working for Maul. I suppose it helped that working for Maul wasn’t completely my choice. Proxima, Dryden Vos, Maul...you could say I was tossed master to master.”

"You deserve to be a free woman.”

Qi’ra smiled, genuinely this time. “For all your faults, you deserve to be a free man." A beat. "Your family loves you, Ben. They always did.” 

”I...forgot that at times." A beat. “I...care for you a lot, Aunt Qi’ra.”

Qi'ra nodded. She seemed to know, even if Ben was having problems saying he loved his family. 

(She seemed to know. He’d turned back to the Light mostly for them, after all)

***

“I guess the question is where Ben’s even gone,” Poe said. The group — his group, that he would never doubt again — was gathered in the Millennium Falcon, in the main hold.

”Well,” Finn said, “Wouldn’t he want to hide?”

“He didn’t.” Poe said, a little too defensively. Then, softer, “He sent me a message. Something about taking down the First Order. Told me not to follow him.”

”Good job he did," Zorii said wryly. 

”Yeah. But...there’s a lot of options he could be.”

”Stormtrooper facilities,” Jannah volunteered. 

”Blockades,” Rose said. 

Rey piped up. “I...had a bond with him,” she said. “I think I could use it to track him but...no, I think it broke on Exegol. When I temporarily died, and then when he temporarily died.”

Beaumont spoke. “Makes sense,” he said. “After all, Mical the Disciple said it is possible. It would be empty, a wound, to break a Force Bond, but...it is possible. One of you would have to die, or your feelings would have to change...”

There were murmurs throughout the room. Curiosity. Worry. Poe sighed. “Rey’s thing with him doesn’t change her defeating Palpatine,” he said. “Really. Back off.”

***

“You had a Force Bond with him,” Poe said, in private. “And you didn’t tell any of us because...?”

”A dyad, actually. You’re acting like I wanted this!” Rey said. “He didn’t either. I don’t know if it was Snoke, though I don’t know why Snoke would want to...”

”Snoke?” Somehow, Poe would bring Snoke back from the dead just for the sake of wringing his neck. 

Rey nodded. “He spouted a bunch of happabore dung about how he’d made the Bond just to lure me into a trap. I guess it...kinda worked.” She sighed. “I let Finn down.”

”That’s like saying if you wore a short skirt, you deserved to be groped." Poe said. “Snoke...he basically mind-raped you both, if that’s what I’m getting here. He forced your minds together without your consent. Like...kriff, I’d kill Snoke for what he did, but Ben beat me to it.” A sigh. “He just had to steal my thunder...”

Rey looked like she was struggling not to laugh. “I guess he did.” Then, more seriously, “Poe, you really think...”

"Yeah. I mean, I think he did it to Ben first time around too, when he made him...hurt me.”

”He dropped hints of that,” Rey said. “He just seemed so ashamed of what he’d done.” Then, "And with me...?"

”No idea. But he said that Snoke...threatened my life if he didn’t torture me.” A shaky laugh. “Forcing Ben to hurt me, mind raping you and him...if Corellia has a hell, I hope he’s burning there. I know it’s not very loving of me, but that’s how I feel.”

”I know,” Rey said. “I hope he’s burning there too. I hope Palpatine is too."

”Yeah.” Damn, but Rey deserved so much better. ”Rey...I was starting off thinking I envied you, just for being able to see him, but I’m reconsidering that.”

”It’s not much to envy,” Rey said. “And...you don’t have to love everyone. I have my limits too."

Poe nodded. “And it doesn’t matter if you can’t track him. I’d rather have you with free will. Fine.”

Rey smiled faintly. “I agree.”

***

Poe was alone in his room, trying to process what he’d learned from Rey. Snoke had forced their minds together, just to lure Rey into a trap. Snoke was a monster, but this...

How could he have hurt Ben, used him, repeatedly? What was the point, really, of doing any of it? Raping his mind, forcing Ben to sacrifice people he cared about, one by one...

Was there even a point to such cruelty? To hurting Ben, to trying to destroy a whole line?

And why was Poe one piece in it? Why was Rey? Why was anyone?

Kriff, it was Palpatine’s fault. It was Palpatine’s fault that any of this had happened. At least Palpatine was dead, and he’d never hurt anyone again. 

_He’ll find a way to come back. Evil never dies_. 

Poe hoped that the voice in his mind, that pessimistic voice, was wrong. 


	11. Zia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe reunite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: This new character, Zia Rand, is basically a villainous version of Atton Rand from KOTOR II. Also, warning for torture.

”I’m sorry it didn’t go well, Ben.” Qi’ra said. They were lying on the torture racks after their capture at the stormtrooper facility — it gave Ben a strange feeling of places being exchanged. 

(Poe, lying on the rack on the Finalizer, looking badly battered and bruised. A bird with clipped wings)

(Rey, lying on the rack, unbruised...Kylo had made sure of that if only for pragmatic reasons. After all, he didn’t want a repeat of what Snoke made him do)

”It’s okay,” Ben said. “Maybe...we can reason with some of them." He thought back, impulsively, to actually assigning Commander Zia Rand a post. Before she became Silver. 

” _You’ll be overlooking Dxun," Kylo Ren said to her — her, a woman with shoulder-length black hair and brown eyes that seemed almost doe-like. No one would guess she was twenty-three. He didn’t miss the way she seemed to have an almost naive faith in him — a complete hope and belief in the First Order. "Guarding it.”_

_”Preserving history,” Rand said, thoughtfully. It dawned on Kylo that she was the same age that he was when...well, when he’d left. “The Resistance wants to destroy history. Just to reestablish corruption.” The disgust in her voice was palpable. “They’re just people with delusions of grandeur, squabbling over politics while people burn and die.”_

_Kylo couldn’t help but think that even for him it was a harsh judgment. His mother — she seemed to think what she was doing was right. So did Poe. But that wasn’t something you could just talk about in the First Order.  
_

_"That’s a...way of looking at it,” he said. “Some of them are sadists. Naturally. Some of them are scared. Some of them fancy themselves to be righteous heroes against an evil Empire. But that doesn’t change the fact they need to be fought, of course.”_

_”Yeah. I’d rather be on your side, Supreme Leader. Not the side of the people who never gave a damn about my people when they needed us, and then get angry when we’re sick of putting up with it.”_

_Kylo knew what she meant. Tatooinian, recently freed from slavery...and angry. Hurt someone too many times and they'd start hurting you back. It would be easy to be like Snoke and exploit her, but there was a pinprick in Kylo that did feel sorry for her and protective of her.  
_

_She was almost like his grandfather, and Kylo wondered if that was what it was like, having a distaff version of his grandfather around.  
_

_"Phasma may be gone,” Kylo said, “But you have a special opportunity, Zia Rand. You’ll be hunting Jedi as well as ordinary Resistance vermin.”_

_”If I have to,” Zia said. “I’ll be damned if I let them rain damnation on the galaxy. To condemn it to more tyranny.”_

_”So you’re learning. I’ll tell you and teach you all I know...”_

Ben was jarred out of his memory by the sound of footsteps. Heavy footsteps, forceful...and a figure in a dark red cloak entered. She threw back her hood, and Ben was struck by the fact she was likely twenty-four now and was all but wondering what her mission was. 

”You,” she snarled.

”Zia, I can explain — ”

“You taught me everything I know, everything I feel, and you seek to destroy us?” Ben didn’t miss the hurt that underlay Zia’s voice, the sense of betrayal. She had believed — she had especially believed in the First Order. In Kylo’s Order. 

”I was wrong,” Ben said. "There were so many reasons I was wrong, Zia..."

He didn’t miss the way her eye twitched. The way she seemed to break in front of him — principles vs. the present. 

”So you decide you were wrong,” Zia said scornfully. "It was the girl, wasn’t it? That one scavenger? She batted her eyes at you and you did whatever she asked?”

”It’s not like that at all.” Ben said.

”You betrayed us. You betrayed us all.”

 _You betrayed me,_ was the unspoken accusation in Zia’s voice. 

Ben could at least be sorry for that even as the pain began. As a vibroblade cut down his cheek, he supposed that he had a replacement scar. One to replace the one Rey gave him, just a year ago. 

He’d bear this. He supposed that it would be appropriate penance, overall. It was kinder than he deserved.

***

It was when he woke in that moment that he saw that he was in — an all too familiar place, now that he thought about it. The Falcon’s medbay. 

(Patching. Droids operating on him, Hux’s scornful face)

And sitting over him —

“Poe.” Dear Force, not now. He wasn’t worthy of this. He wasn’t worthy of Poe looking down at him like, somehow, he meant everything. 

”Easy now. You were pretty badly cut up.” Poe’s voice was soft, like he was talking to a frightened animal. “She kind of used her vibroblade on you — that woman. Really got you bad.” A beat. "She got away. When we stormed the base...well, she ran like hell.”

”You stormed the base?”

Poe nodded. “We stormed it. Rey felt that you were in distress; you and she aren’t...bonded anymore,” and Ben didn’t miss the distaste in Poe’s voice on the word “bonded”, “But it doesn’t mean that she couldn’t still feel you.”

”The Force can work that way,” Ben said. 

”Yeah.”

”I guess it’s fitting,” Ben said. "I tortured you, I get tortured back.”

The look of pain in Poe’s eyes was unmistakable. “Ben, you know and I know that no one deserves that.”

”I...”

”I wouldn’t wish it on, say, Hux or Terex.”

”You knew Terex?”

”In passing,” Poe said. “My point is that...the Resistance doesn’t wish that stuff on people. No one deserves that no matter what their crimes.”

”Why did you come back?”

Poe sighed. “Because...we’re not done yet.”

Ben had a feeling that Poe wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Just a sliver.

"You healed Rey,” Poe said. A slight, almost imperceptible tremor of his voice. “Somehow, I always knew you would.”

”Always knew?”

”I wasn’t able to show you it, but I did believe in you, Ben.”

Ben swallowed. “I didn’t think you’d come for me.”

”Well, I’m here. Aren’t I?”

They were cut off by Rey sprinting into the room. “Ben!”

Ben smiled feebly at...well, his cousin, for lack of a better word. “Rey, about Exegol...”

”I know. We’re cousins.” Then, “Ben, honestly...I’m glad that you’re back either way. I always wanted my family back.”

”So did I.” Ben said. 

Rey’s smile — she seemed more at peace than he’d ever seen her. He was at least grateful for that. 

Qi’ra was next. “Ben!” she said. “You scared the life out of me; what in the galaxy...”

”I’m okay,” Ben said. “Really.”

There’d be others. Ben just needed to rest. For the moment. 

After Qi’ra and Rey left, Poe said. “So, Exegol...”

”Yeah, it was weird,” Ben said. "I think...she definitely felt more towards me than I did towards her. She thought the galaxy of me, and I didn’t quite...appreciate it. Even if we weren’t related, even if I did love her romantically somehow...she deserves someone who can love her with their entire being. Someone who can make her happy.”

 _And someone who can make you happy_ , he thought. _Someone who doesn’t make you cry_. 

"She has Finn now.”

”You...named the defector ‘Finn’.” Calling him a traitor would be hypocritical now, but how could Poe be that uncreative with a name?

”We were kind of on the run,” Poe said. “I didn’t really have time to come up with something more creative.”

”I see.”

”Speaking of which...here’s something I don’t get. Us escaping from the Finalizer...it seemed a little too easy. Was it some sort of elaborate plan like Vader tracking the Rebellion to Yavin or something?”

Ah. That. “I’m...obviously no Vader,” Ben said. “I’m not exactly scary enough for it. I did it because...torturing you was bad enough.”

”You could have left with me.”

”I...could have.” For once, Ben couldn’t think of a good rebuttal, not even “it seemed like a good idea at the time”. “I didn’t want to hurt you. It doesn’t mean anything but...I thought I’d hurt you enough."

It didn’t undo the likely nightmares. It didn’t undo the damage. But Poe had to know. Even if Ben couldn’t bring himself to say what he needed to say. 

”Thank you, at least.” Poe said. “For giving me that chance. For even that small moment of mercy.”

”You’re welcome.”

Somehow, Ben wished he could say more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Call my “Poe and Finn’s escape being too easy” thing something that kind of occurred to me, with Kylo being remarkably calm about Poe escaping. It’s not until later he even really gets pissed at Finn. So...call it me patching that plot question.


	12. First Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben starts to help the Resistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

There was something about waking up and finding that Poe had fallen asleep next to him that made Ben’s heart ache, though not unpleasantly. Watching the rise and fall of Poe’s breathing, watching how serene his features were. The rise and fall. Rise and fall...

Ben watched him, bit his lip, trying to memorize places where scars from the interrogation had healed, where they’d faded. It occurred to him, not for the first time, that he loved Poe with all he was. Bright, blinding light...

It occurred to him that their love could have been beautiful. Love was more than a candle, love could ignite the stars. It hadn’t done that yet, but it had allowed Poe to escape. Allowed the first steps to fall into motion of saving the galaxy. 

It had helped. Small acts. Small steps. Sometimes the first step was just a better feeling. 

Even looking over at Poe, Ben wondered if he ever thought he would see Poe again. If he ever thought that anything like this would happen. 

Of course, just being in the same ship with Poe...it didn’t mean necessarily that Ben had him. (Was Poe even his to “have”?)

Ben winced even as he said, “You fell asleep.”

Poe blinked as he woke, shuddering a bit. “Did I...stang, that’s embarrassing.”

”It’s okay. Really.” Then, “I like having you here.”

Maybe it was selfish, but Ben couldn’t say that he was used to being alone. To sleeping alone. He thought of whispers in the dark, of echoes of different battles, and plenty more. 

He wasn’t used to having someone with him. Not really. Not sleeping by his side. 

He was used to, too used to, being alone. 

He watched as Poe smiled — a sad smile, though. It seemed like an echo of something that should have been brighter, stronger. 

”I like being here. Being able to help you.” Then, "You slept better than I thought you would.”

”Because you were here?"

”If I were here before, I would have been able to save you.” Poe sighed as he spoke. “If I hadn’t been stuck in the air — if I hadn’t been...stang, I shouldn’t have even been happy when I knew Finn and Rey were safe. Not that they weren’t my friends, but you were...dead.”

”Only mostly dead,” Ben said, smiling slightly. 

”Not funny, Ben.”

”Right. It wasn’t.” Ben inhaled just then. “But you had a right. Going back to your friends. Being happy. You could be happy, you know. You could live.”

"It wouldn’t have been the same without you. I could save the galaxy, be Chancellor of the Republic — and I’d lose you."

Ben bit his lip. “I wasn’t strong enough to protect you.”

”You found ways to fight back. Big and small. You were never weak, Ben. And...you came back. In the end.” Poe’s smile became broader, warmer. Kinder. "I turned my life around, Ben. It’s never too late.”

Ben supposed not. After all, Luke had brought him back. Saved him. If even his uncle, who had been nearly manipulated by Palpatine, thought there was good in Ben...there had to be stuff that was left for him to do.

The Force made things happen for a reason. 

"No,” Ben said. “It isn’t."

”You should sleep,” Poe said. “You still need to heal up."

”Stay?”

Poe nodded. “As long as you need me.”

***

There was no morning light in space, but Ben could imagine it, momentarily, streaming through the windows and warming the both of them. Poe was up just then, and Ben knew — Ben knew that him coming back was the best thing that ever happened to him. 

"Hey,” Poe said softly. 

Ben smiled. “Hey,” he said. Then, more seriously, “I’ll have to face the others. I can’t imagine that they’ll be happy to see me.”

”You won’t start making things right if you don’t make that first step,” Poe said. 

Ben sat up, wincing a little bit. “Might as well make sure I’m presentable.”

He tried not to wince, looking at the criss-cross of healing scars on his torso, looking at the long healing mark on his face in the mirror, clearly painstakingly done. Rey had nearly sliced his skull open and that hadn’t been that unpleasant to look at. 

”You okay?” Poe said. 

”Fine,” Ben said. “Just...stang, even when Rey beat me up, it wasn’t that bad. Though...stars, Poe, I gave Zia Rand hope and took it away. No wonder she was mad.”

”Zia?”

”She was the woman who did it. She...” Ben sighed. “She was a former slave. She was angry at the Republic for seemingly doing nothing, and when the First Order came along, she thought we could help her. Be her savior, and Tatooine’s, and all the slaves. I gave her hope and I just...broke her.”

”We can save her,” Poe said. “I saved Finn. Your family saved you. There’s an opportunity to save her. Though, if you ask me, I think we should keep you two at least six feet from each other for a long time...”

”Probably.”

***

Ben didn’t miss the looks, alternately distrustful and curious, from the Resistance. He could feel them — they weren’t hateful. Far from it. If anything, they were watchful. Hurt. Some of them had lost loved ones to him, or the First Order in general, and now...now he was expected to speak with them. That was the hard work of redemption, though.

That was how you got better. 

Poe quietly encouraged him. A nod. Just one nod. 

Ben stood up. He could feel eyes weighing on him, but he forced himself to speak. 

”I know,” he began, “That I’m the last person you want to see...”


	13. Finn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben patches some things up with Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“In terms of reports of my death...it’s a long story, how I managed to get from here to here.” Ben forced himself to meet the faces of some of his audience, some faces that were stony, some that were accepting. “And if I told you how I changed my mind...I would say it was because of my family. Because of the late General Organa. In part.” Telling them about seeing his father’s hallucination again...well, they wouldn’t believe it. “I’ve done awful things. I’ve disappointed a lot of people. I know that much. But if I can give back to the galaxy, fix what I made wrong...that’s a start.” A beat. “I have the information. Outposts we need to take down..."

No one spoke. They seemed to be uncertain as to how to react. 

Poe did more of the talking, of course. More of the discussion. Analyzing the data. Ben turned to look at him; he didn’t know how to respond aside from a raised eyebrow and a little nod. 

***

”I’m just gonna say this: if you hurt Poe again, I’ll find a way to end your destiny. For good this time.”

Finn’s voice (and it was odd, thinking of him as Finn, not FN-2187) was even, but Ben could detect genuine worry in him, genuine anger for Poe. Finn thought the galaxy of him, didn’t he?

”That’s not on my agenda,” Ben said. “I didn’t even want to do it the first time.”

”You’ve tortured people before and never had a problem with it.”

”Desensitization,” Ben said. “You become numb enough to what you’re doing...believe it or not, my first interrogation wasn’t an easy one.”

Finn looked doubtful, but didn’t comment. 

Ben continued. “In Poe’s case, Snoke had to threaten his life in order for me to comply. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.”

Silence. Then, “I...have a feeling that you’re not making it up. But it doesn’t really...why was it different for Poe?”

”Poe’s important to me.”

Finn sighed. “I don’t think anyone’s important to you.”

 _Ouch_. “There were...at least a few."

"Name some.”

”Tai Zordani, Poe Dameron, my family — ”

“So important you hurt them.” Finn wasn’t obviously angry, but the way he looked...

”Tai wasn’t my doing. Finn,” and the name sounded weird, “We could talk in the garage. Where we don’t have to make a scene.”

”If you start anything, I won’t hesitate to defend myself.”

”Fair enough.”

***

”Poe and I were friends as younglings,” Ben said to Finn in the garage. "Tai was my...friend at the Academy, when I had to go away. It wasn’t that bad; it was initially private lessons with my uncle. Others came soon enough and Tai — he was like Poe, but different in ways that mattered.”

”Were you...together, you and Tai?”

Ben shook his head. “He was just my friend. He was gifted. Saw the best in people, no matter who they were. Powerful telepathic abilities. He was like Poe, if Poe had the Force; I think you would have liked him.”

”Huh.” Then, “Is he...still around?”

”He’s dead. I didn’t do it; my...predecessor leader of the Knights of Ren did it.” Even though Ren had repented, there was so much Ben would do to have Tai back. “Tai was trying to save me. He was that kind of man. And Ren...well, he killed him because of that. I killed Ren.” He could remember killing Voe afterwards; he still didn’t know why he’d done it. They’d had their issues, but he couldn’t say he’d ever hated her...

Finn took a deep breath. “It sounds...hard.”

”I’m mostly telling you as...part of what you need to know.” Then, “But about Poe...he is important to me. I think I knew from the time we were children. And then he went on to become better, brighter. This is a man who tried to save the life of a Republic Officer who wanted him dead.” Ben could feel old feelings of admiration, of worship, welling to the surface. “A man who...when he loves people, even people he hardly knows, he loves them with his whole heart.”

”I know that,” Finn said. “Some of it.” Then, “He was the first one to treat me like I was worth something.”

Ben paused. Then he remembered. The stormtroopers — he had most likely been only six when Finn was taken. He hadn’t been able to really participate in it, found it. But he’d let it happen. Allowed it to happen. When he wasn’t actively participating in the evil the First Order did, he was enabling it. Standing by and letting it happen. Allowing it. 

He’d let it happen. He’d let Finn be hurt, and for what?

 _How could I have been so stupid to call him a traitor_?

“I was wrong,” Ben said. “About you being a traitor."

”No stang.” Finn said. “Maybe you could have thought of that _before_ you kriffed up my back?”

Ben nodded. Finn hadn’t deserved that. Thinking back to the snow fight...he'd thought of it being a matter of pragmatism. But Finn’s screams...had he had to be that deliberate with the way he’d all but branded Finn's shoulder? And slashing up his back...

”Yes,” Ben said. “I should have. Even that...I don’t think I believed you were a traitor. Not really.”

He told Finn about the Finalizer escape. His side of it. Finn stiffened. “So, what,” he said, “You hurting me and Rey was just to keep up appearances?"

”At this point, I don’t think any of my actions make sense.”

”No stang.” A beat. “I won’t do anything to hurt you unless I have to...but you’ll have to prove that you’re willing to do the right thing this time around, after what you did to me, my friends and others.”

”That sounds fair.”

***

Even as Ben stood up from where he’d been sitting in the garage, he found that he had at least started to form some sort of dynamic with Finn. They didn’t have to be best friends, or even friends. But Ben had hurt him, and he had to make it up to him somehow.

”Things go okay with Finn?” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. 

”I don’t like what you did to him either,” Poe said. “You both...you both mean the galaxy to me, in different ways.”

”I know.” Then, “How much did you hear?”

”Not much.”

Ben bit his lip. Then, “Poe...I didn’t really tell you how much you mean the galaxy to me. I really didn’t."

”Not really." Then, “I did hear...some of the stuff you said about me. I don’t think many people have said it before.”

”Who _wouldn’t_ think that about you?”

“A few people. Sometimes I fear your mother...did the same...”

”I don’t know what she thinks,” Ben said. “What she thought. But I believe in you, Poe. I believe in you more than anything.”

Poe swallowed. Then, “Despite what people think...so do I, Ben.”


	14. A Boy, A Man and A Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben tells Poe the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was waking up that Ben was aware, now, of how much he’d lost. What he’d regained, of course, but also what he’d lost. Tai, just for example. Voe. Hennix. Everyone. He’d have to pay his respects to Voe, of course. And Tai. He owed them that much. 

And he hadn’t told Poe either, what had happened to him. There was so much that Poe, simply, deserved to know. So much that he could have known, if Ben hadn’t been such a fool. 

He got up, dressed; it was still disconcerting just seeing the scars from Zia’s torture on his body. He supposed he could use the Force to heal them...but really, he needed to have them. Just as a reminder. 

He walked down to the main hold, where breakfast was being held. Ben could imagine, just for a moment, that he was back with his family and that everything was all right. He could imagine, just for a moment, that his father was there, good-naturedly bantering with Leia and Lando over a game of sabaac. Chewie was there, arms folded behind his head. Poe, too, playing dejarik with him. 

So many memories. 

Ben was about to sit alone, before Poe turned to look at him. “Ben,” he said. “You can sit here, you know.”

An empty table. It seemed too convenient. 

Ben sat down just then, at the table. “Where’s Finn and Rey?”

”Bonding.” A sigh from Poe. “Stars, I hope she doesn’t break Finn’s heart. She does that and we might need to talk.”

”You really do care about him, don’t you?”

”In my way,” Poe said. "I mean, he’s more of a Rey guy, but...he did save me, in more ways than one, when we met on the Finalizer." 

”He did?” 

”It wasn’t...easy after you left.”

Ben could see flashes. Just flashes. Bits he’d picked up in Poe’s mind during the interrogation...

”Poe,” he said, “I was thinking...what if we talked? In the crew quarters?”

Poe snorted. “Seems to be the day of secret conversations, huh?”

***

The crew quarters was at least a sufficient space to hide them from everyone else. It struck Ben how intimate it all was, how risky. How it would be able to dig up emotions that Ben had tried so hard to keep hidden. 

They sat on the bed together, and Ben’s mind was already going _abort abort abort,_ but he couldn’t. 

”When I...tortured you,” Ben said, “I saw that you went after me, after all this time...because you loved me.”

Poe faltered. Then, “It is true, Ben. I loved you. I loved you enough to move the galaxy for you. To take down the First Order to keep you safe. And when you hurt me...well, you could say Snoke knew what he was doing when he chose you to interrogate me.”

”I’m sorry, Poe.” It didn’t seem like enough. It wasn’t. 

“I know.” A beat. “I just wonder what happened to you. If I...wasn’t enough.”

Ben’s heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vise. “No, Poe. You were enough. You were more than enough. I might as well tell you. It’s a story of a boy, a man...and a monster.”

He took a deep breath.

”I’m listening, Ben,” Poe said. 

”You know when I went to Elphrona? That mission? Well, that was where it started. Where the seeds were planted.” Ben paused. “There was a man. Ren. Leader of the Knights of Ren. Basically, his philosophy was following the ren — the lightsaber, basically.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “There’s probably more to it than that.”

”Seriously?” Poe said. 

”Yeah. But he and his Knights...they ambushed us on Elphrona. Yeah, my uncle...if he told you that they were his former students I recruited, he lied.” Kriff, he hated that look of shock, of confusion, that seemed to come over Poe. “Why do you think I didn’t tell you when we crash-landed? It would have broken you. I couldn’t do that.”

"So...Luke lied.” Poe looked like his heart was already breaking in that moment. “He knew you didn’t create the Knights and he lied.”

”Taking a leaf out of my namesake’s text,” Ben said. He hated saying that, but it was an undeniable fact that Luke had lied. ”But yeah, he ambushed us. My uncle beat them off, but as a parting shot, Ren tried to tempt me to the Dark Side. Asked if the Jedi path was the right one for me. And...”

”And what?” Poe said quietly. 

”I started noticing things,” Ben said. “I noticed how afraid my uncle seemed, how uncertain. How he seemed to be losing faith in the Jedi. It wasn’t something he let me see, but he’d break down when he thought I wasn’t around.” A beat. “It was terrifying, seeing him like this. When I was younger, I thought that my uncle was good as a god. Invincible, infallible. And then seeing him as sentient...it was frightening. It would be like seeing your Uncle Lu’lo like that...or something.”

”Yeah.” A shaky breath. “So that was...one of the reasons?”

”One of them. I thought that if my uncle was losing faith...were the Jedi really that strong? I don’t know why he couldn’t have just rewritten the Jedi Code. Maybe he was torn between his own personal objections and honoring Yoda and Obi-Wan...even though he owed them nothing after they tried to make him kill his own father.” Bitterly, “They and Snoke are more similar than they know.”

”I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

”Just my thoughts. But I watched him — and it terrified me. It wasn’t the only thing that terrified me.” A beat. “There was you, Poe. I would listen to you, coming back on missions, and you’d just seem so...alone. You would see things that you weren’t meant to see. You would see things that hurt you — because you loved the galaxy with all you were. It was what drove you to rebel against Holdo, wasn’t it? Your heart. Because you didn’t want anyone else to die.”

”Yeah. Exactly.”

”Don’t feel guilty. I know you. I know you had nothing but the best of intentions, and I know that good intentions can go astray. Snoke...or maybe Palpatine? They preyed on my good intentions. My weaknesses. My heart. They preyed on the fact I wanted the galaxy’s suffering to stop. That I wanted you to be happy. That I...” He paused; should he tell Poe? He was already afraid, but Poe deserved to know. “That I loved you.”

He could practically see the fractures in Poe’s faith, spreading out like cracks in the ice. 

”You loved me.” Poe said, softly. 

”I would have killed everything that plagued the galaxy, that plagued you, if it meant that you were happy.”

”But I didn’t want that,” Poe said. “I didn’t want you to do that to show you loved me.”

”I know that now." Then, “I struggled, I fought. There were times you were like my lighthouse, leading me back to where I needed to be. And then Luke...”

He paused. It would break Poe’s heart, knowing. 

”It wasn’t Luke’s fault,” Ben said. “Palpatine, or Snoke, Force help me if I know who...they mind raped him. Even when he was standing over me, with a lightsaber ignited — ”

“No...” Poe’s heart was already breaking. Kriff, Ben would do anything to mend his heart right then and there. 

So he kept talking. 

”He wasn’t actually about to kill me,” Ben said. “He made a mistake. He had a split second of Palpatine or Snoke trying to get him to kill me. A split second. But he resisted. He won. I...I just didn’t see it. I saw the green lightsaber ignited, I guess he forgot to turn it off, and I fought him. I remember him saying, ‘Ben, no’; maybe he was trying to explain something to me. Explain that he’d made a mistake. But I knocked him out with rubble. Ran. Voe, Tai and Hennix chased me and after I outran them, I went to Snoke. You were my lighthouse, Poe. But I thought that there was something evil about me, something that left me unable to be...touched by your light.”

Poe paused. Then, “Did your mother know...?”

”I don’t think she did,” Ben said. “Then again, I don’t know. I never got to ask her.” A beat. “And I wanted you safe. From me. From anything that wanted to hurt you.”

”So,” Poe said, “Palpatine, or Snoke, tried to get your uncle to kill you.”

”Yeah." Ben bit his lip. “My uncle won, but they still got what they wanted, and that was me and my uncle turned against each other. Me, on the Dark Side. Us, separated. And my family destroyed. It’s not often the bad guys manage to turn a victory into a defeat for their enemies, is it?”

”I...” The cracks were there. Poe was coming apart, and there was nothing that Ben could do to stop it. What Ben wouldn’t give to mend those cracks, to mend Poe’s broken heart. “I need a minute.”

”I know.”

Ben left. Behind him, he swore he could hear Poe suppressing a sob. 

He wished he could stay. Just to mend Poe’s heart — to see Poe smile again. 


	15. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

There was a moment, just a moment, when Poe swore that his heart was breaking all over again. Like cracks in the ice, or cracks in transparisteel, and Poe just didn’t know how to react. How to _breathe_ , even. 

It was Snoke. It was Palpatine. It was the fact that they had been trying to keep them all from being happy, after all this time. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, but here it was. Luke...Poe couldn’t even get angry at Luke. It wasn’t Luke’s fault that Snoke and (or?) Palpatine had gotten ahold of him. That his mind had been good as invaded. Good as raped, actually. 

Was it possible that the both of them were serial _mind rapists_?

Ben. Rey. Luke. Just to name three. And Snoke and Palpatine has done it for what? Petty spite? Because they couldn‘t stand to lose?

Poe thought, in that moment, of Ben. Smooth-faced, good-natured Ben, who —

And despite himself, he thought of the fact that part of the reason that Ben had done all that was for _Poe_. 

Poe, of all people. Poe. He didn’t want this, didn’t want any of it. All he had wanted was Ben, but Ben...but Snoke and Palpatine had played on that too, hadn’t they? 

Ben. Rey. Luke. 

Outside the room, he could practically feel Zorii’s protective anger cut through the air. “What the kriff did you do to Poe this time?!”

”I told him the truth,” Ben said. 

”The truth? Don’t you think that he’s kriffing suffered enough because of you?”

Poe winced. Zorii...she meant well, but she wasn’t completely right. 

Zorii continued. “You really seem to enjoy hurting him, don’t you? Torturing him, and now this...”

”He deserved to know the truth.” Ben, trying vainly to keep his voice even. 

”Go kriff yourself,” Zorii said, and Poe could all but feel the subdued anger in her voice. “Me? I’m gonna fix whatever you broke...”

***

”Hey, Spice Runner."

Zorii was there, along with Jess; they both looked worried, and in Zorii’s case, like she wanted to break Ben’s neck. 

”Hey.” Poe sighed. “Look, about Ben, he just...he did what he said he did. Told me the truth. About...about why he fell.” A sigh. “I just didn’t think Snoke and Palpatine were such spiteful schuttas.”

”I think they thrive on it,” Jess said. Then, "So...”

”Palpatine tried to get Luke to kill his own nephew. Mind control and all.”

”Holy stars!” Jess exclaimed. Kriff, Jess adored Luke and Poe was making her listen to this... 

Then, “Did Ben,” Jess said, “Blame Luke?”

”No. He made it clear that what Snoke and Palpatine tried to do wasn’t Luke’s fault.”

”Damn.” Jess took a shaky breath, and Poe didn’t miss how Zorii gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I knew that Snoke and Palpatine were evil, but I didn’t think they were that evil.”

”They are that evil,” Zorii said. “I’m sorry, Jess. I’m sorry, Poe.”

”S’okay.” Then, “I just didn’t want Ben to...kill for me, of all people. Me.”

”No one should go that far,” Zorii said. “I mean...that stuff isn’t usually what any being in the galaxy wants from their significant other.”

”Yeah.” Then, “Well, it took Palpatine...moving stuff into place for that to happen. But still.”

”Yeah." Zorii sighed. “I just was thinking...how do you feel about him?”

Poe paused. Then, “I still love him. He’s a different man than I knew him as...but I still love the man I knew.” A beat. “He could be everything. Light, dark, the grays in between. He could be kind, he could be temperamental...but he was always Ben. He _is_ Ben.” 

“Even when you talked about him, it sounded like he meant a lot to you,” Zorii said. 

”Yeah. And now he’s back...and I know I have to get it right this time. I promised that he’d never go without knowing my feelings,” _my love_ , “Ever again.”

He stood up. “I need to give him that.”

***

Ben was all but kicking himself in that moment in his room when he heard footsteps. Poe. He could feel him, in the Force, all too clearly. Bright, his cracks starting to heal over. He could already feel him — and he was in awe and afraid all at once. 

Poe knocked on the door. Ben opened it. 

”Poe,” he said, “What are you — ”

“I made a promise,” Poe said. “A simple one, though also loaded as hell.” A beat. “I promised you...that you’d never go without knowing my love again.”


	16. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe’s feelings come to the surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“Poe...” Ben began. “It’s not that simple.”

”If you want me to back off, I’ll do it...”

”No, I mean...I want this, but I guess the question is if I’m worthy of it.” Ben paused. “Poe, you don’t know what I’ve done...”

”All of it, you mean?”

”Yeah.” Ben took a deep breath. “And then there’s you. I don’t know how you can bear to look at me, especially after...everything...”

”I just do,” Poe said softly. “I just do, Ben. I love you, and I believe in you, even after everything that’s happened.”

”Even when I keep pushing you away.”

”Even then.” A beat. “Ben...do you feel the same way for me as I do for you?”

”Yes. But I’ve done so many awful things...”

”I know. And you’re working to fix it.” 

Poe’s hand reached up just then, just to caress the line of Ben’s scar from Zia. Ben didn’t know if he deserved this, any of this, but Poe was giving it anyway. Because Poe was, simply, Poe, and he had so much to give. So much love to give. 

”You’re working to make things right,” Poe said. “And you’re nearly there. Even that fact...there’s no words for how proud I am of you, Ben. How kriffing lucky, or blessed by the Force, or anything...just to have you back."

He spoke with such conviction, such belief, such fire, that Ben was drawn in despite himself. Drawn in under Poe’s spell, drawn into his field, his fire — even though it was dangerous, for him and Poe —

“I love you,” Ben said. He was taking a risk, just saying it. “With all my heart.”

And when they kissed, Ben knew that it just felt right, that it was home, even after everything that had happened. The softness of Poe’s lips, the way that Poe’s mouth just opened for Ben. Rey’s kiss — and Ben forced himself not to think about it; thinking about you and your cousin having a Luke and Leia moment wasn’t generally advised — had felt almost obligatory, like she owed it to him for saving her even though he hadn’t really done much for her worth a kiss. 

(He hoped with Finn that she wouldn’t need to feel obligated. That she was genuinely happy)

But Poe’s? Somehow, it felt right. It felt like so much time had built to get to this point. It was there in the way that Ben felt Poe’s hands tangle in his hair, caress it, and when they broke away...

”Poe,” Ben whispered, softly, his smile feeling like he’d needed that for a long time. “Was this your first...”

”With you, yeah.”

Even though it wasn’t either of their first kisses, Ben was glad he could at least make that kiss happy. 

***

It was as they sat on the bed in the Falcon’s crew quarters together that Poe spoke. “When did you first realize you loved me?” he said. 

”Stars, there’s quite a bit.” Ben took a deep breath. “Maybe when we were both kids. There was something about you, Poe. Something that was strong, something that was vibrant, something that was...kind. And then you got older, and I saw you. The man who saved Sela Trune once, and tried to save her again. I fell in love with you, and it stuck."

He wished he had something more eloquent to say. 

Poe didn’t seem to be complaining, even as he rested his head on Ben’s shoulder. “I knew I loved you when we were both kids,” he said. “And then I saw how brave and creative and caring you really are. I...may not have the Force — ”

”Poe Dameron, do you really think it matters?” Ben said. “I have you. I don’t care about the Force or not. I have _you_. And you count for everything.”

He watched as Poe smiled on his shoulder, as Poe leaned against him and closed his eyes. They would need to find a way to tell the others. Naturally. But here? They had spent seven years separated from each other. They might as well take some time to enjoy being together again. 


	17. A Kinder Galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe clear things up with their crewmates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Had to go and correct a line in the last chapter about it being Poe’s first kiss. In my defense, Poe and Zorii’s relationship in Free Fall is written really weird.

There was no morning light in space. Ben knew that. But he could imagine, just for a moment, that there was a place for both of them where the morning light could stream in through the windows and they could be happy together. Where they could be truly free. 

”You’re warm,” Poe murmured against his shoulder. “And big.”

”I’m not big,” Ben said good-naturedly. “You’re just small.”

Small, but so very strong. Small, but able to endure so much. So much endurance, so much brightness — it almost felt like Ben couldn’t look away from him. 

Poe lifted his head just then, looking into Ben’s eyes. Ben was struck, in that moment, by how dark they were, how almost depthless they were. Brown, liquid, terribly earnest and full of faith even though Poe had, plain and simply, been through so much. 

How Poe kept that — Ben supposed he’d never really know. 

And then Poe laughed. Ben was struck by how he’d missed that genuine laugh, that genuine smile. The way that it just lit up Poe’s face, bright and radiant as a sunbeam. 

Ben laid a hand along the side of Poe’s face. “I did miss you,” he said. It reminded him that he would never make Poe unhappy, take away that simple, honest smile, ever again.

”So did I. With you.” Poe’s smile faltered then as he looked down, and Ben already felt like he’d let Poe down, like he’d already disappointed him. "We’re gonna have to tell the others. At some point, at least. We’re gonna have to tell them the truth.”

"Yeah. At your own pace, though.” Ben didn’t want to say “let them wonder”, not this time. Not when he was still working to gain the Resistance’s trust and respect. “I don’t want to push you, Poe."

”I know." Then, “What are we gonna tell them?"

”Whatever sounds right to you.”

”They’ll have to understand. What...happened on the Finalizer. No, Ben, I don’t blame you; you were forced.”

”I still hurt you.” A caress to the corner of Poe’s mouth, where a scar would have been. Ben knew the scars were healed, but still existed on the inside, where memories lived. 

“But I know it wasn’t by choice. Even on Crait, I had a feeling. I knew there was something wrong with the idea of you hurting me. With you doing any of it.”

”Do you...” Ben bit his lip. “Do you still wish that daft boy was there instead of me?”

"I love all of you, Ben. Daft boy or not." Poe paused then. "We’ll have to take it slow with them. It’s not...”

”No, they’re not unreasonable.” The galaxy didn’t revolve around Ben Solo. He wasn’t the bright center of the universe. He’d hurt people. “On second thought, should we take it slow? They won’t like the idea of us keeping secrets.”

Poe laughed, a bit wryly. “That would be an interesting conversation. ‘No, Resistance members, you never wanted to hear about General Dameron’s love life, but you’re hearing about it anyway because it might compromise trust if you don’t.’” A beat. “No, Ben, don’t look like that. It’s just...telling them isn’t gonna be easy.”

”We’ll think of something.”

***

”Rey,” Ben said, “There’s something I need to tell you. About me and Poe.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “I was kind of eavesdropping when you two were talking.”

”Wait, you were?” Ben forced himself to stay calm. “How much did you hear?”

”That you’re overthinking this, Ben.”

Ben sighed. “Rey...they’ll get the wrong idea. They’ll think...I dunno, does it count as fraternizing with the enemy if I’m technically recruited with them?”

”Don’t be daft, Ben.” Rey said. “I think being honest is the best route if you want to maintain trust, but Poe’s not...fraternizing."

”I guess not.” Ben hoped Rey was right. "Are you...unhappy that Poe’s with me?”

”You’re still being daft,” Rey said. “I mean...we’re cousins. If I was romantically jealous of you, I’d need to see a therapist.” A beat. Then, softer, “Besides, you both seem happier than I’ve ever seen you. It’s like...it’s like you’re both lit up. It’s like how I feel around...”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Around whom, Rey?”

”Just...Finn.”

”You and the defector.”

”So it’s not ‘traitor’ anymore?”

”It would be the pot calling the kettle black if I did,” Ben said. “Besides, considering what I did to Snoke...it takes a traitor to know a so-called traitor.”

”We’re not traitors. We’re rebels.” Rey beamed as she spoke. “I mean, you’re the one who died and came back, and I’m the one who thought she was the last Jedi, and Poe’s the brave pilot...just to name a few.” A beat. “And Finn...I really did mistake my feelings for you as romantic feelings. But around Finn...it’s like I was safe. It’s like I was home.” A beat. “I think I knew that when we were outrunning the TIE fighters.”

Simpler times. And darker. 

”You just felt like he was your lighthouse,” Ben said. “Your safe harbor."

Rey nodded.

"Well, I think he will make you happy, Rey,” Ben said. "I think I had a feeling as to how he felt when he was willing to defend you in the forest on Ilum. It reminded me, almost, of Poe, and the boy I used to be...” A beat. “I’ve been going with ‘Ben’ for a while, but it doesn’t feel right. No, don’t look at me like that; it’s not your fault. You didn’t know the full story, Rey. But...I always had my problems with the name ‘Ben’. It was like my parents were forcing me into a role I didn’t fit. Obi-Wan died before I was born, and Solo was a name that an Imperial officer gave my father.”

”Wait, seriously?” Rey said. 

”Dead serious.”

”Our family history gets weirder the more I think about it,” Rey said. 

Ben snorted. “Yes.”

”Well, maybe you’re your own, Ben. A name’s just a name. Even me, with the Palpatine thing...” Rey paused. “I know you’re going to think less of me, but I’m going by Rey Skywalker now. There are some people who think that I’m not a true Skywalker — ”

“There are some things stronger than blood,” Ben said. “And if my father could be given the last name Solo...last names aren’t that bad. Besides, considering that Palpatine’s unfortunately linked to the Skywalker family, might be unfortunately our progenitor...”

”Unfortunately.”

”But Rey Skywalker is basically taking it back,” Ben said. “What should have been yours from the start." A beat, then a wry smile. “You’ve proved yourself worthier than me of that heritage.”

Rey sighed. “You think what you’ve done so far isn’t worthy? Maybe you need to reevaluate.”

”Maybe.” A beat. “It’s not very Light Side, but maybe I could find whoever’s saying you’re not a real Skywalker and beat them upside the head with the handle of my lightsaber?”

Rey did laugh. “No, that won’t be necessary.”

A beat. 

”I’ll have to tell the others,” Ben said. “I wish there was a script for something like this...”

”I’ll help you. And Poe.”

It was a different situation than in the turbolift to Snoke’s throne room, but Ben could feel her faith in him. Her certainty. 

And it dawned on him that he had contributed to making her feel like a nobody too. What had he been thinking, taking out his anger on her? 

”Rey,” he said, “About the Supremacy...”

”It’s the past.”

”Still, I treated you unfairly. The best explanation is...I was angry. I thought that my uncle had chosen you over me, had never given me a chance. That he was unimportant. But he...he told me that him drawing a lightsaber on me wasn’t his choice. That Snoke, or Palpatine, mind controlled him.”

”It...sounds unbelievable, but I just know it’s true.” Rey sighed. “Force, I never thought Palpatine would have so much hatred for his own family...”

”It’s not your fault,” Ben said. “You didn’t choose to have a sociopath for a grandfather. And you’re as far from a sociopath as one can get. Without, of course, being my uncle in his youth.”

Rey snorted. “That’s good. I haven’t been perfect, but I've been trying.”

”You’ve been doing good, Rey.”

”I like knowing this version of you better.”

”Yeah. So do I.”

***

”Finn, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Finn was already fiddling with upgrading his blaster. “Funny,” he said, “I was thinking of something I needed to tell Rey.”

”That you love her?” Poe said. 

”No! Yes! No! I mean...not yet,” Finn said. “I’m...” A stage whisper. “I think I may be Force Sensitive. I’m thinking of going for being Force Sensitive first. Less scary.”

”Right. Just...talk to her.”

”I just wish there was a script for this...” Finn sighed. “Sorry. What did you want to tell me?”

”Yeah, well...Ben and I got together.”

Finn nearly dropped his blaster. “But he hurt you...”

“Not by choice.”

”I know. He told me. It’s just...I know he wasn’t lying about that, but he still hurt you. You’re my best buddy, Poe.” Finn sounded earnest. “You mean the galaxy to me, even when you’re being an idiot, and I don’t want you to be sad again. And I’m worried he’ll make you sad again...”

Poe nodded. “You’re not being irrational. I...he won’t. Honestly, being apart from him hurt worse than being with him. When I was around him, it was like he saw the worst parts of me and loved me all the same. Me, of all people."

”Who makes you think you’re not worth it?”

Silence. 

”You’re my best friend,” Finn said. “My first real friend. Even with Holdo...you were doing it to save your friends’ lives. Because, not in the romantic way, you loved them.”

”There’s very few people I don’t care about,” Poe said. 

Finn nodded. “And you mean the galaxy to them. That’s why I don’t want you hurt."

”I won’t get hurt. I just know.”

Finn frowned, if only skeptically. “Okay. But if he hurts you, we’re having a lightsaber rematch, and this time I’ll win.”

***

”Aunt Qi’ra...there’s something I need to tell you.”

Even as Ben told her, she laughed, clearly delighted. “Ben...you were scared of that? I knew how much you two adored each other. I knew that more than anything. Poe would have followed you to hell and back, and your enemies would have been his. And...you felt the same for him.”

"Yeah.” Ben thought back to when he was a child, and Poe had been the galaxy to him. His moons, his stars. “Having him love me back...it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

”I know.” Qi’ra smiled, more gently this time. “You think you’re alone, but you're so very loved, Ben. Palpatine tried to make you feel you weren’t; the Dark Side thrives on making you feel like it’s the only thing that understands you.”

Ben winced, thinking of Rey. He had almost flawlessly copied Snoke and Palpatine, imitated patterns that had hurt him.

Qi’ra continued. “And look at you. You got out.”

”I did.” Then, “I don’t want to hurt Poe again. I don’t — I remember seeing him cry in the interrogation room, and it hurt. His face was just a mess, Aunt Qi’ra. And I never want to do that to him again...”

”I can’t promise you a relationship without conflict,” Qi’ra said. “What matters is how you deal with it. That’s what matters most.” A beat. “Your family loves and believes in you, Ben. Poe loves and believes in you. Never doubt that.”

Ben nodded. He could believe, at least, that that last part was true. 

***

”Zorii, Jess...can I talk with you?”

Zorii sighed. “It’s about Ben again, isn’t it? I swear that bastard just leaks drama wherever he goes...”

”That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about.” A beat. “Oh, stang...that wasn’t how I planned this.”

”So you and him talked?” Zorii said. 

Poe nodded. 

”If he hurts you again...” Jess began. 

”He didn’t want to do it,” Poe said. “Snoke and Palpatine...” And even talking about it, he watched as Jess tensed, as Zorii looked like she wanted to launch a siege on Exegol. 

”I swear I’m gonna kill them both.”

”Rey and Ben beat you to it,” Poe said. 

”You really should have gotten me earlier, Spice Runner. Before they stole my thunder.”

Poe chuckled. “They probably checked under their beds and in their closets for you.”

”Flattery’s not gonna get you anywhere, Spice Runner,” Zorii said, but her voice was light. 

The three of them did laugh. Poe was glad for that. 

Then, more seriously, “Look, Spice Runner — just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean you don’t mean the galaxy to me,” Zorii said. 

”Same here,” Jess said. “You’re not just my commander...well, General, now. You’re my friend.”

”You both mean the galaxy to me,” Poe said. “I don’t think there’s anyone onboard who doesn’t mean the galaxy to me.”

Zorii snorted. “You’re getting better at this whole ‘appreciating people’ thing, Poe.” But her voice was gentler now.

”Yeah. At sixteen, I wasn’t...perfect at it.” Poe thought of his father, and winced. 

”Well, you’re, what, thirty-three?” Zorii said. “You’re growing up now.” She smiled at him, and Poe nodded. 

Even if they weren’t in whatever their relationship was, Zorii still meant the galaxy to Poe — as did Jess. 

***

”Uncle Lando...I know we haven’t talked in a while.”

”Yeah. We haven’t.” Uncle Lando sighed. “First things first...how could you be Kylo? Even hearing it, hearing what you did...it didn’t sound like the kid I knew.”

”It’s...” He told Uncle Lando everything, especially Luke being mind-controlled and resisting at the last minute. And Lando actually cursed. 

”I wish I could resurrect them to kill them again,” he said. 

”Yeah." Ben said. “Though...Rey blasted Palpatine’s body to bits, so I don’t think there’s much to resurrect.”

”Way to go, Rey!”

Ben grinned. “She kind of stole my thunder, but I’m proud of her for it.”

”She’s strong. Stronger than him.” Then, “There’s something else, right?”

Ben nodded. “Poe and I...we’re mending our relationship. Including romantically.” A beat. “I just...I’m hoping that I don’t hurt him again. Snoke made me...”

”Well, Snoke’s gone. He’s not hurting anyone ever again.” Lando took a deep breath. “You’re a free man, Ben. And if you don’t want to hurt Poe...you have a choice not to do it.”

”I do. And I’ll take that choice. He’s everything to me, and I don’t think even he knows how much...”

”Well, show him that,” Lando said. “It’s like me and your Aunt Sana. I didn’t always do everything right by her. Just...don’t let Poe go without knowing your love, Ben. You don’t meet people who are everything to you every day; they don’t just fall from the stars.”

”Yeah. They don’t.”

Another reason to appreciate Poe at all costs. 

***

”Rose, there’s something I need to tell you.”

”About...Ben?” Rose said it like the name sounded odd to her. Poe couldn’t say he blamed her. “He didn’t hurt you, did he? Again?”

”No.” And even explaining everything to Rose, and Poe meant everything, he didn’t miss the flash of sympathy there. 

”It sounds like you’ve been through a lot,” Rose said. 

”Yeah."

”I’m glad,” Rose said, “That you found him. Just for your sake. Just...if he hurts you again, I’ll tase him.”

”That...” Poe sighed. “He won’t, Rose.”

”I’ll be watching him.”

***

"Uncle Chewie, I know I’m the last person you want to see...”

After fighting his way out of a vise-like Wookiee embrace, along with Chewie going on a rant in Shyrriwook about how he’d thought he’d lost everything, Ben looked up at Chewie. “Why? I killed my own father...”

” _You think I don’t know that? What you did was horrible, but it doesn’t override the fact you’re my nephew. My cub_.” A beat. “ _And I shouldn’t have shot you. When you were brought back..._ ”

”Yeah, well, I was given new scars,” Ben said. He gestured to the scars Zia gave him. 

” _Should we meet, she will pay dearly._ ”

“Uncle Chewie, I deserved — ”

“ _No_.” Chewie said. “ _My cub did not deserve this_.”

He hugged Ben again. It was when Ben managed to break away that he managed to say to Chewie, “Poe and I...we’re together.”

” _Was it news that the two of you loved each other_?” Chewie said. “ _After all — ever since you were a cub, you thought that he was the bright center of your universe_.”

Ben nodded. Leave it to Uncle Chewie to see it, to notice the lighthouse that he’d left behind. 

” _Just don’t hurt him again_ ,” Chewie warned. 

“About that...” And even as Ben spoke, told him everything from Luke being mind-controlled to Snoke forcing Ben to torture Poe, he watched even as Chewie looked like he’d shot himself with his own bowcaster. 

“ _I would kill these beasts myself if you and Rey hadn’t done it first_ ,” Chewie growled. 

“Uncle Chewie...”

” _You’re safe now, cub_ ,” Chewie said. “ _They’re not coming back. They’ve paid plenty for what they’ve done to you_.”

Chewie hugged Ben, and Ben couldn’t say he hated it, being given one of those Wookiee hugs. 

***

”Kay, there’s something that I need to tell you.”

Kaydel sighed. “Something about the battle plans?”

”No, about...” Poe took a deep breath. “About Ben. We’re...together.”

Kaydel’s eyes widened. “Why?”

”We talked,” Poe said. “And after losing him twice, I can’t lose him again.”

”He tortured you.” Kaydel said. 

Poe explained. Somehow, he had a feeling he’d be telling this story over and over again. Kaydel looked taken aback. “So...it was kind of like when those First Order officers made prisoners...assault each other?”

”Basically.”

”Kriff.” Kaydel said. “That’s...I hope Snoke’s burning in hell.”

”Palpatine too.” He’d tell her about what Palpatine and Snoke did to Luke. Soon enough. 

”All right, look...if Ben does anything to hurt you, I’ll kick his cargo hold,” Kaydel said. “But honestly, if he was forced into doing it...I don’t think he’ll do it again. Just a thought.”

”Yeah.”

Poe had faith, at least. 

***

”Maz — ”

”Yes, I know. I know your eyes,” Maz said. “You and Dameron. You love him. You always have. Even when you were a boy, Ben, you saw him as the center of your galaxy.”

”Yeah,” Ben said. “He’s everything to me. More than everything." A beat. “I know I hurt him...”

”I felt it. I felt how Snoke made you,” Maz said. “How he used your Bond with him to hurt you when you didn’t continue it.” She sounded disgusted. Then, “I’m far from disgusted with you. Only Snoke. What he and Palpatine did is unforgivable. Irredeemable.”

Ben nodded. “I just wish I’d broken free earlier,” he said. “When I killed him. There were so many opportunities where I could have broken free...”

”You’re here, Ben,” Maz said. “It’s never too late to make amends. You know it.”

***

Poe spoke to Kare and BB-8. Ben spoke to Threepio and Artoo (who seemed just plain happy to see him). And they reached the quarters they shared. Poe sighed. “Guess that’s everyone,” he said. “At least for this ship. I think my voice is pretty exhausted...”

”Tell me about it,” Ben said. “And then there’s the fact that we have to tell your father, and Uncle Lu’lo, and other people that won’t be happy to see me...”

”Ben. I’ll be there,” Poe said. 

”There’s more I didn’t tell you. Snoke...he was in my head since I was a kid. Or maybe it was Palpatine. I don’t know. But while I was...torturing you...” Poe didn’t miss how Ben looked like he was about to breathe himself into a panic attack. “Snoke — there were times I’d try and stop and Snoke would...it was like he was sending me psychic electric shocks to make me go faster. To hurt you more.” Now he looked like he was going to have a panic attack. “He...used our Bond to hurt me if I didn’t do what he wanted.”

Poe couldn’t speak for a moment. Ben, a fellow torture survivor, in a way?

”I could have fought back,” Ben said. “I was such a coward, Poe...”

”Ben. Don’t you ever call yourself a coward. Can I...hug you?”

Ben nodded. Poe hugged him, inhaling the sheer scent of him, everything about him. He felt, just for a moment, like Ben was surrounding him, like Ben was all-encompassing, and he hoped he could be that way for Ben as well. To be his lighthouse, like he was before. His anchor. His life raft. 

”I got you,” Poe said. “I love you, Ben. With all my heart. And kriff...I’m never going to let you go without knowing my love again.”

”Neither will I,” Ben said. 

They remained in that embrace, and for a moment, Poe could pretend that there was a galaxy without Snoke and Palpatine, a kinder galaxy where all was well and they were safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Not gonna lie, writing Ben and Rey’s conversation was hella therapeutic on multiple levels. I mean, some of the misogyny Rey gets for being a Palpatine slash Skywalker...I wanted to basically give that a thrashing. And giving that “you come from nothing” scene a resolution...it feels really good.


	18. Batuu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang maps out their mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It occurred to Ben, even as he woke up, that there was something about Poe’s presence that was enough to ward away his nightmares. This had been another night where he had slept peacefully? He almost wondered what that was like. 

What it would be like, if he and Poe were on Yavin, and they had more moments like this? Was there even a place for that? 

Poe stirred. “ ‘S morning,” he mumbled. 

”As far as I can tell.” Ben, almost on instinct, nuzzled the crown of Poe’s head. He was struck by how soft Poe’s hair was, soft and thick and dark. “If I’m not careful,” he said lightly, “I may get too comfortable.”

”No such thing.” 

Ben sighed good-naturedly. “As much as I welcome your touch, we have work to do, General.”

”Right.” Poe untangled himself from Ben. “I could get used to this, though. Everything.”

”So could I." Ben nuzzled him again. “War stuff first, hugs later. And I won’t be complaining...”

***

”So,” Poe said, “We’ve got some stuff to take down. Batuu, just for example.”

They sat across from each other at the meeting table, with Finn, Rey and others with them. 

”Yes,” Ben said. “We’re going to have to find a way to neutralize them. Take them into custody without killing them.”

A raised eyebrow from Finn, and a nod. “They’re as much victims as anyone,” he said. “They deserve as much of a chance for rehabilitation.”

Poe nodded. “Agreed. We’re showing everyone on Batuu and other worlds that it’s time to take your life back and end the cycle.”

Rey spoke up. “Force Stasis might work. A way for Jedi to incapacitate opponents without killing them.”

Clever girl. As always, she was learning from the best. 

”I have darts,” Jannah said. “Tranquilizers. I learned to modify my own stuff on Kef Bir...depending on the occasion.”

“Blasters for me,” Finn said. 

Rose nodded. “I’ll use my taser.”

Zorii nodded. “Staff.”

Jess said, “Blasters always work. Just saying.”

***

Even as Ben walked up to the navigation map on the Falcon, he watched as Poe sat in the Falcon chair. Poe spun around just then. “Hope you don’t mind,” he said. “I kind of...inherited the ship while you were...y’know.”

”Well, Plutt stole it first. Rey’s jailer,” Ben explained as Poe raised an eyebrow. 

”I take it he wasn’t a great guy,” Poe said. 

”From what I saw, an understatement.” He had seen snippets of Plutt in Rey’s memories, and he’d seemed disgusting. Ben continued, “Besides, the Falcon might have been something else I treated unfairly.” Ben wondered if he’d have to apologize to the Falcon for calling her a piece of junk and ordering her blown out of the sky.

”Awww, not her too.” Poe really did sound sympathetic to the Falcon. “You did nearly blow her out of the sky...”

”I...I don’t have a good excuse other than it reminding me of Dad.” A beat. “After I killed Snoke, it felt like I was angry at everyone. Like it should have given me peace killing him, but it didn’t. Dad was still dead, Mom still hated me. Uncle Luke...he still hated me, or so I thought. And you...I could be Emperor of every galaxy and not have you.”

He met Poe’s eyes, and after a while, looked away.

”Yeah." Poe said. A hand, taking Ben’s. “I could win the war and lose you.”

”We have each other,” Ben said. “And a huge family of our own.” He gestured towards the back, at least implying the people there in the main hold even if he didn’t outright point them out. “It counts for something, doesn’t it?”

”Yeah.” Ben didn’t miss the way Poe smiled at him. Radiant as a sunbeam. “It does.”

Ben got in the copilot’s seat with Poe, and something about it was enough to make him feel, momentarily, like he was home as they blasted off to Batuu. 


	19. Cindra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zia strikes a deal with a Sith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben Solo had escaped. 

Even though Zia Rand doubted that she could stand to call him by that name (he was supposed to be Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Their savior), it was true. Somehow, Poe Dameron had arrived, and she’d had to cut her losses. Flee. 

Embarrassing, really. 

She didn’t know where he’d gone, but she had sent our scout ships making sure to leave no stone unturned in terms of finding him and his “rescuers”.

It was later that she actually got the message from Darth Cindra. 

There was something about Cindra that did chill Zia, just looking at her. An older woman, white streaking through ink black hair, with yellow eyes that reminded Zia of staring into the twin suns too long. 

”Hello, Silver.” Cindra said. Even her voice sounded odd, almost rough. 

”Who are you?” Zia said. “How do you know who I am?”

”I’ve heard of you, Silver...and I was wondering if we could make an alliance.”

***

Moraband. Apparently, Cindra was on Moraband, along with the surviving Exegol Sith. Zia couldn’t say she was familiar with the Exegol Sith, or the Sith in general; Kylo Ren had said that the Dark Side was more freeing than the Light — although she had a feeling he didn’t quite believe it. 

Maybe she should have seen his betrayal coming, Zia thought bitterly.

Even as she landed on the planet, got off the ship, she turned to the other stormtroopers. “Guard the ship,” she said. “If Cindra turns out to be volatile...I have no desire for any of you to get hurt."

One of the stormtroopers, Lightning, tilted his head in what Zia could only assume was confusion. “And you?”

”Better me than you, Lightning. Good luck.”

Zia couldn’t help but look around Moraband, the strange tombs, some of which looked like they’d fallen victim to graverobbers. She couldn’t help but feel a pang of sorrow for what she saw, the remnants of what could have been a great civilization, a great dynasty. 

Like the First Or — no, Zia thought. Even though there were times she felt lost and alone and needing help, the First Order wasn’t gone. It wouldn’t be gone, because she wouldn’t allow it. They needed salvation, stability — even if the Resistance just wanted a return to the status quo.

Amilyn Holdo could talk about the downtrodden and oppressed until she was blue in the face, but it didn’t mean she believed it. 

The path. The path all the way up to the Academy, where Cindra said they would meet...it was an odd path, starving tu’kata gnawing away at bones. Zia, feeling at least a pang of pity, tossed them emergency rations from her pocket. It was something, she thought, small steps in a failing dynasty. 

***

”I can’t say that I’ve met a stormtrooper commander before,” Cindra said. She looked, honestly, uncanny. Hawk-like, Zia thought, the way she was scrutinizing her. 

”I was Kylo Ren’s pick,” Zia said. “After the death of Captain Phasma, he needed someone to fill the slot.”

”A teenage girl?”

”Twenty-four, actually,” Zia said irritably. It was one of those reasons she rarely showed her face; people seemed to think she was younger than she was. 

”Right. Forgive me,” Cindra said. “It’s not just your face, but your idealism. You believe in the First Order with all your heart, don’t you?”

”I — I do. Even after Kylo Ren’s betrayed us.” Zia could still remember hearing the celebrations leaking over the galaxy over the death of Kylo Ren, and she could not help but wonder: how could they? How could they celebrate a return to the status quo with the same disasters starting up again? Dooming themselves to an endless cycle of hatred and betrayal...

Cindra curled her lip. “I’m not surprised,” she said. “He definitely had the ideals of a Sith — but not quite the gumption to act on them. I suppose his incompetent teacher didn’t help much either.”

”He didn’t talk much about his teacher,” Zia said. 

”He was...a heretic. Believed in blending the teachings of Light and Dark to make something new. Of course, that didn’t stop his motives from apparently decaying, him becoming a buffoon.” Cindra scoffed. “We were once part of a great civilization, a great dynasty, and now we’re left with nothing. Even the clone we had to follow...he was a sorry shell of what he could have been." 

”You know about the way the Sith were before.” Zia said. 

”You could say I’m something of a...historian,” Cindra said. “Studying every nuance, every detail...I have wondered what makes our brethren turn away from the path of darkness towards the corruption that is the Light. How we keep being defeated time and time again.”

”Maybe you could help me.”

”Yes,” Cindra said. “That’s what I want to do. I know who you are. I know you’re lost, desperately seeking a purpose. Thrown from master to master...you’re a soldier following commands. A prophet on a mission to enlighten the galaxy. We share a common goal...and I want you to help me.”

Zia paused. In her mind, she could imagine Tatooine being liberated, medical care for all planets being increased. Stability. Order. And this woman was promising it. All of it. 

”I’m ready,” she said. “I won’t fail you.”

Cindra smiled, almost lothcat-like in how she bared her teeth. “I’ll make sure of that...Commander Rand.”


	20. Memories Live Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe talk about Ben’s family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben didn’t think he’d be getting back into Jedi training, but here he was. 

Maz oversaw them this time; with Leia gone (and that knowledge was enough to make Ben feel a brief pain in his heart, knowing he good as wiped out the majority of his family. Uncle Lando was still alive, as was Aunt Qi’ra and Aunt Enfys, but he was one of the last Skywalkers left), she was looking over them. “You both,” Maz said, “Have come far from where you were when you began.”

Ben hoped so. 

"I’ll have to pick up from where Luke and Leia both left off,” Maz said. “Leia taught you more than Luke, is that right, Rey?”

”Well...yes,” Rey said. “He was in a bad place. Considering Snoke mind-raped him, I don’t know why he couldn’t have put the blame on Snoke, not himself or the Jedi.”

”I think he had these problems even...before that night,” Ben said. “He wasn’t just someone trying to pass the credit; he...” And even telling Rey about Luke, Rey’s eyes widened. 

”I should have known,” Rey said. “I mean...even the idea of Luke becoming that, I knew there was something wrong with it. Something off.”

Ben nodded. “He wasn’t perfect, my uncle, but he was a good man. He wouldn’t have become that if...if Snoke and Palpatine weren’t trying to stretch him to his breaking point.” Ben sighed. “There’s...something else. Snoke made this offhand comment about being able to conquer the galaxy quicker with my uncle by his side. I don’t know if he was just saying it to hurt me or if he really did think that, but...”

There was a long silence as the group contemplated where they’d be if Luke had fallen. Maybe Ben would have been with Poe, but he still would have lost a family member, and the galaxy would have lost a hero. 

Maz spoke. “I think only Snoke knows that,” she said, “And I don’t feel particularly inclined to talk with him about his motives.”

”Obviously,” Ben said. 

***

It was before training that Poe realized that Ben had slipped away. Excusing himself, Poe headed towards the quarters that he now shared with Ben, where Ben was sitting hunched over on his bed. He looked so vulnerable, so small — of course, Ben was a big guy, and it was ridiculous to think about it that way. 

But that was what Poe saw, at least. He couldn’t help it. 

”Hey,” he said, “Are you okay? You look...”

Ben looked up. It was there that Poe saw that his face was stained with tears. 

”It’s my family,” he said. “I only killed one of them directly...but I feel like I good as killed off most of the Skywalker line.”

It was then that Poe noticed the notebook on his lap. The way that he was drawing some of the figures — Han, with his kind, weathered face, Luke, bearded and wise, Leia, beautiful in the way that someone who’d gone through a lot was beautiful. 

”You’re getting back into art,” Poe said. 

”I am. Haven’t done that in years.” Ben laughed shakily. “I threw Chandrilan flower petals across the water to honor them, and it doesn’t erase the fact I good as nearly wiped out my own family. Who does that? Besides killers in horror holos...”

”Leia died getting through to you.”

”That...doesn’t make me feel better,” Ben said.

”She did it because she loved you. As so many of us do. I mean, whatever you heard about me being her replacement son or something, it’s not something Leia would do. She thought of you. She wanted nothing more than to have you back.”

“And she died for it.”

”She died for what she believed in, and that was you.” Poe took Ben’s hand. “It’s like what I did. I mean...when I could, I looked everywhere for you. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy, wondering which one was you. What had happened to you. Even after I found out who you were, I couldn’t hate you. With knowing what really happened, I really can’t hate you.”

”I never hated you,” Ben said. “I could never bring myself to. Even when Snoke was trying to poison me against you, it was like I couldn’t hate you." 

He squeezed Poe’s hand. Poe felt a certain thrill, felt like he was lightheaded, but in a good way. 

”What do you remember most about your family?” Poe said. 

”My dad...he called me his ‘little bandit’.” Ben laughed; it was good to see him laughing. Poe found that he missed that. "He thought the galaxy of me. Letting me follow him around. I wanted to be a pilot like him, remember?”

”Yeah.”

”Can you imagine when that would have happened?” Ben said. “All that we could have been...”

”Yeah, well, you’re my co-pilot. That counts for something.”

”I still wish I hadn’t been separated from you for seven years.”

Knowing the Academy, it was probably longer than that. 

"I know. You know,” Poe said softly, “You’re back. No matter how the Force tries to split us up, it never will.”

Ben nodded. “I hope.” Then, “My uncle was troubled, but he was kind. Almost unfailingly so. He liked to teach me that no one was beyond redemption. It was one thing from the Jedi teachings he agreed with. And my mom...well, you know plenty of her. Strong. Determined. Fearless. Could have the best sense of humor.”

Poe nodded. Then, “Do you think you’ll see them again? In this life or the next?”

”They’re in the Force. And...I know Uncle Luke resurrected me to give me a second chance. So...” Ben swallowed. “I better take every advantage of it.”

Poe nodded. “I’ll be with you. I love you, you know. I believe in you. I know you.”

Ben smiled. “Same with you.” Then, “We should head back. Maz is probably worried about us.”

”Let’s do that,” Poe said. 


	21. To Be Sentient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben learn under Maz, and Rey has to confront her pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Even as they headed back to the main hold, Maz tilted her head. “You’re doing better?” she said. 

”Yes,” Ben said. 

“May I speak with you, Ben?” Maz said. 

Ben nodded, before turning towards Poe and giving him a reassuring wink. Poe nodded back, in that moment. 

Then Ben turned towards Maz. “I’m ready, Maz,” he said. 

***

”I see your eyes,” Maz said. “Poe Dameron...he means the galaxy to you, doesn’t he?”

They were sitting in the garage. It seemed to be a place where they had a lot of Important Conversations — or seemed to be shaping up to be that way. 

”With all my heart,” Ben said. “Maz...don’t you know?”

”It’s more than this,” Maz said. “He stabilizes you. Saves you.” A beat. “You know, I remember Jolee Bindo once saying that love didn’t lead to the Dark Side.”

”You traveled with Revan?” Ben said. 

Maz laughed. “Oh child, no. But Jolee...there were rumors saying that he returned to more traditional Jedi teachings. I know, though, that he kept being his lovably grouchy self.” She smiled faintly. “You would have liked him, Ben. He was a lot like your father in some ways.”

”I think I might,” Ben said lightly. “So...he said that love didn’t lead to the Dark Side.”

”Exactly,” Maz said. “As he put it, passion, jealousy...emotions like that should be avoided at all costs. But love will save you, not condemn you.”

Ben smiled faintly. “Sounds like something my grandfather might have needed to hear.”

”Indeed, child.” Maz sighed. “Alas, poor Anakin...he wasn’t the first of Palpatine’s victims, but he suffered greatly nonetheless.”

”Because he loved my grandmother,” Ben said. “He loved her, and the Jedi didn’t want him to be with her.” A beat. “Why? I mean, Revan saved Bastila, just by loving and believing in her.”

”They were afraid,” Maz said. “As I understand it, they thought that love corrupted. Arden Lyn with Xendor, for example. They were formidable, and the Jedi...when they were trying to understand the failure they had with their students, they thought that Xendor had basically poisoned Arden.”

”Not like the Jedi were innocent either,” Ben said. 

”They were afraid,” Maz said. “As I understand it. When people are afraid...acting rationally is not what they do. There have been many terrible instances in history, all driven by fear. Fear of the unknown, of that which was different, just for example. I suppose the Jedi thought they were sparing others from damnation, but...they were wrong.” A beat. “Of course, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t do good in their generations. But it was one of those reasons they think fear leads to the Dark Side. Fear can lead to anger, because sometimes, it can be a way of regaining control. But these emotions aren’t inherently evil. It’s what you do with them that counts.”

Ben nodded. “True. I mean...fear can keep you alive, but fear can also hurt others. Anger can drive you to action, but anger can also hurt people."

”Yes! Smart boy.” Maz beamed at him. “That’s your first lesson at least.”

***

”So anger isn’t inherently evil,” Rey said, when she was called in. “It’s just...what you do with it.” A beat. “It’s a relief, Maz...because I’m so angry so much of the time. I’m...” She was picking at her scavenger threads, almost like it was an outlet for her anger. "I’m angry and I don’t want to lose control. The last time I lost control, I nearly killed someone.” She sent Ben a guilty look. 

”S’okay,” Ben said. “You were defending yourself.”

”Still.” Rey sighed. “I’m just...angry, Maz.”

”Tell me more.”

”I’m angry at my parents for leaving me on Jakku for fourteen years,” Rey began. “I’m angry at Palpatine for everything he did. I’m angry at Plutt for making me think I was a mistake for fourteen years.” Her voice cracked. “Did you know Finn was the first person to ask if I was okay?”

Ben winced. “Rey...that wasn’t your fault.”

”Dear child,” Maz said. “You’re more than justified in your anger. It doesn’t have to be destructive. It can be used as a powerful catalyst for change.”

”Yeah.” Rey took a deep breath. “I just...I want to get better. I want to be a whole person. I don’t want to feel...afraid and alone anymore.”

”That’s what others have said before you," Maz said. “I promise, Rey...you won’t have to feel alone anymore. Or afraid. I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. I can help you. You, Ben...others who may come to us.”

”Yeah." Rey’s voice cracked again.

”Rey...can I hug you?” Ben said. It was the best he could do, at least, for his cousin. 

”That’d be nice.” Rey said. 

Ben hugged her. Had she ever been hugged before? Finn...he'd hugged her. Twice. Once when he’d rescued her on Starkiller Base (and to think he’d tortured his own cousin, put her through so much), and once when they’d reunited on Crait. It would be fitting, he thought, if she ended up with Finn. The man who had never failed to be kind to her, to try and protect her. 

Finn, he thought, had better be good to her. 

”You feeling okay?” he said. 

”A bit better,” Rey said. She sighed. “I don’t just want to survive. I want to live.”

Ben could say everyone on board wanted that. Everyone.

”You’ll learn, Rey,” Maz said. "Emotion is as part of us as breathing. What matters is what we do with it.”

***

”How was your lesson?” Poe said to Ben. 

Ben sighed. “I really want to kill Unkar Plutt for what he did to my cousin. And chew out Rey’s parents.” A beat. “Technically they’re my great-aunt and great-uncle. The Palpatine-Skywalker family tree is weird. But Rey...kriff, they stranded her on Jakku where she was made to feel like a mistake. They should be charged with child abuse just for that.”

”Damn.” Poe said. “That’s...I guess it answers more questions about Rey than it raises.” Then, “And you?”

”Maz says you’re good for me,” Ben said. “I can’t argue with that.”

”I hope so,” Poe said, smiling. 

Ben took his hands, struck by how small they seemed in comparison to his own.   
  
“You are good for me,” Ben said. “You’re saving me, Poe. A little bit each day. You’re kind, you believe in me — and there are no words for how grateful I am that you’re here.”

He hugged Poe then, and he knew that nothing could make him feel safer than to be loved by this one man. 

***

”You okay?” Finn said. 

”Had a lesson with Maz,” Rey said as she sat down. “It just struck me how...angry I was. I didn’t really tell you about Mum and Dad, did I?”

”No.” Finn said.

”I’m Palpatine’s granddaughter.”

She watched Finn’s face for a change of expression, but instead she found nothing but the utmost sympathy. “Rey...I’m sorry.”

”Nothing you need to be sorry about,” Rey said. "Technically I’m also a Skywalker because of Palpatine’s...meddling, but yeah. Palpatine didn’t have any...biological kids. My father was more of a clone and he wanted so badly to be the opposite of his father.” Vaguely, she could remember her father — kind, serious, sad. The way he could actually smile, when her mother got a smile out of him. 

Little heroine. That was what he called her. And her mother...well, her mother had been almost like sunlight at times despite the fact she was a Jakku scavenger as well. They had taught her so much — except the Force. That had just always been there, always protecting her. 

”What do you remember?” Finn said. 

”My father was...sad a lot,” Rey said. “I think Palpatine might have psychologically and physically abused him. But my father was kind. It was how he met my mother; he sold an old Exegol artifact because he thought her junk boss wasn’t giving her enough portions. They got thirty portions as a result. Thirty!” Rey laughed despite herself. “But...even though he was raised in an environment of hatred, he never became hateful even when he had a right to be. He was always kind and caring and a friendly person who rarely had a bad thing to say about anybody."

”It sounds like I might have liked him,” Finn said. 

”Yeah. My mother...she was just as kind. Even though she lived in such a rough environment, she never became angry and bitter. She could be very funny.” Rey smiled faintly, remembering things like her mother tossing her in the air, Rey shrieking in joy. “ _Mama, higher!”_

”How did your mother...react when she found out who his father was?”

”If I recall correctly, she accepted him. They didn’t tell me everything; they just said he was a mean man who hurt my father really badly.” Rey laughed without humor. “A bit of an understatement. But it didn’t matter to her. She knew who he was — she saw his spirit. His heart. His devotion. And they both loved me.” Rey felt her eyes prickle with tears. “I just don’t know why they left me. I thought for fourteen years I was a mistake...”

And like in Maz’s castle a year ago, she felt the tears running down her face. Even as Finn hugged her, she found herself crying, one of those times when she found it was okay to cry, where she was all right.

”You’re not a mistake, Rey,” Finn said. “You never were.”

And Rey could live with that idea, the idea of Finn believing in her — even when she couldn’t do it herself. 

Even heroes of the galaxy needed someone to believe in them. 


	22. Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which much is discussed, including lightsaber training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was when Ben actually woke up that he couldn’t help but feel exhausted. He couldn’t say he was getting used to that, human sensations and all that. When he’d been temporarily dead, he could remember that feeling of simply not feeling anything, at least physically. He’d been pushing himself so hard to try and keep going that he hadn’t thought of that. 

He could be good at that. Ignoring sensations. Ignoring pain. That had come back to bite him, among other factors, on Ilum. 

And speaking of which, he probably had to practice his lightsaber training. 

He could all but hear Snoke’s voice in his head. “ _You were unbalanced; bested by a girl who never held a lightsaber_...” It seemed to echo in his head, the word “lightsaber” repeating like a broken holo. 

Of course, what was he complaining about? So the Force had found something better...it didn’t stop that memory from surfacing, from making Ben remember what it was like to feel unimportant, insignificant. 

(Force, maybe he deserved it?)

Growling in frustration that his mind wouldn’t stop gnawing at itself, Ben headed into the main hold. The others were eating breakfast, Finn and Rey seeming to be sitting as close together as Rose and Jannah, Zorii and Jess, or Kaydel and Beaumont. 

”You okay?” Poe said softly. Even as Ben sat next to Poe, he felt momentarily cooled. Momentarily. There was something about it.

”Had a bit of a rough morning,” Ben said. 

Poe’s hand squeezed Ben’s shoulder, in that moment. Ben couldn’t help but feel calmed, at least in that moment, just by that squeeze, that touch. “You wanna talk about it?”

”After breakfast.”

***

It was in private that Ben spoke with Poe. "It’s...stupid,” he said, “But...Snoke...”

”I don’t think your feelings are stupid. About Snoke, or anything.”

”Right.” And even telling Poe about Snoke, about Snoke setting him up to kill his own father and that somehow not being good enough, he watched Poe’s face change to a look of horror. 

”Ben...everything you tell me about that is just another strong argument for Snoke burning in hell,” Poe said. 

”Yeah.” Maybe it wasn’t very Light Side to think so, but after everything Snoke did, Ben hoped that was the case. 

”But we’re with you,” Poe said. “You’re on your way to helping yourself, and you’ve got us. That counts for something.”

He hugged Ben, and Ben supposed that he could get used to this idea, to the idea of being safe. 

***

Telling Maz was another thing — and Ben didn’t miss how sad Maz looked, or how Rey looked like she was kicking herself for what happened. 

”It’s not your fault, Rey,” Ben said. “You were defending yourself and Finn.”

”It doesn’t mean you deserved that,” Rey said. 

”The only one who’s at fault in this situation is Snoke,” Maz said. “He alone bears the blame, the responsibility, for Ben’s ordeal. It is a shame that Dark Siders think that cruelty is the best way to forge an exemplary student.”

”Yeah. And Palpatine said that he made Snoke...”

”That,” said Maz, “Answers more questions than it raises.”

Poe snorted. “Still raises a few questions, I think.”

”If I recall from what I know about Palpatine,” Maz said, “He heavily psychologically and physically abused his students. It may not be a stretch to think that Snoke might have...passed on what he learned.”

”Oh, that?” Rey said wryly. “That old story? The abuser was abused?”

”You could say,” Maz said. “The Sith built a whole dynasty on that idea.”

Silence.

”Well, he didn’t have to be that way,” Poe said.

Ben couldn’t say he was quite listening, though. He thought of Exegol — how dark it had been, away from sunlight, away from any sort of contact besides the Sith cultists and Palpatine. No friends, no family, no sort of loving touch or kind word. At least when Ben had been going through what he did, he’d had exposure to sunlight. He’d had friends, family, moments of laughter and joy — and Snoke and Palpatine couldn’t take those away. 

Did Snoke really have anyone?

It dawned on Ben that, unpleasantly, he was feeling a modicum of pity for Snoke. He didn’t want to; even that idea felt like he was erasing what Snoke did to him and others. Was it wrong to think that if you were buried underground for Force knew how many years without any contact outside your abusive creator’s, without familial love, without anything...wouldn’t you at least feel parts of your sanity unravel? 

”I just wish,” he said, “That he hadn’t taken it out on me. On Poe, and others.”

”Same.” Poe said. He squeezed Ben’s hand; Ben couldn’t help but be comforted by the feel of it, by how secure it felt. “I just don’t want you to blame yourself for what Snoke did.”

Ben nodded. “I’m working on it.”

”We will be working on lightsaber combat,” Maz said. “Though it is more to improve skills and introduce certain principles in there. Not completely shunning anger, but finding ways to channel it that aren’t harmful.”

”I’m listening,” Ben said. 

***

The thing about Rey’s style was that she was undeniably talented, but she didn’t seem to have a set form. Even as Ben spoke to her, he said, “I’ve always found Niman helpful myself. I mean...it just makes sense. Considering my own conflict, my own lack of resolution...it just made sense to pick a style that balanced me. That represented it.”

Rey raised an eyebrow. Then, “I never really thought about it, to be honest,” she said. “I just thought of it in terms of...how I fought as a scavenger. Even on the Starkiller planet, I was mostly relying on what I knew already. Tapping into the Force...it just helped.”

”Using a lightsaber isn’t like using a staff.”

”I thought so,” Rey said. “I guess I could try out Niman. I’ve been looking for something that balances the Darkness I know is inside me.”

”That could work. There’s also Vaapad, though I think only Mace Windu knew it and he’s dead now.”

”So...”

”You channel your Darkness into a weapon of the Light,” Ben said. “You feel it, but channel it. It...I probably suck at explaining things.”

”You’re doing fine,” Rey said. “I could consider both."

”Smart idea.”

***

Even standing alone in his quarters, Ben ignited his lightsaber, watching as he moved the orange blade from side to side, trying to get used to the idea of adopting a Niman position again. Going without a lightsaber for some time...well, he wouldn’t deny that it was weird. 

”You okay?"

Ben fortunately turned off his lightsaber in time. “Poe, you shouldn’t just...sneak up on me like that.”

”Sorry about that." Poe said. He was standing in the doorway, looking almost admiring. Then, “You know, I never really saw you practicing with your lightsaber. Not before.”

”Yeah. I know.” Then, “My new lightsaber’s orange.”

”Orange, huh?” Poe said.

”It...it’s cheesy as hell but I think of you when I have it.”

”Cheesy or not, I love it.” Poe cupped his face. Ben was the one who leaned down for the kiss, as Poe was, endearingly, rather short for him. 

As they broke away, Ben grinned. “You really like it?”

”I said I love it, you wonderful dork.”

”It just seemed appropriate,” Ben said. “I mean...I was trying to incorporate my new identity and one part I thought of was you.”

Poe. Of course, Poe. True, the Exegol mission had kept them apart, true, Poe had run away at sixteen. It didn’t erase the fact that Poe had been there when Ben needed him — that Poe had genuinely cared about him.

Poe beamed at him. “Well, I’m glad. At any rate.”

They sat on the bed together, and Ben found himself soothed by Poe’s proximity. “We...should probably talk about something that isn’t Snoke. Or Palpatine. I think we’ve talked about that at length.”

”Kriff, that’s a really good question,” Poe said. “I mean...sometimes I think it’s been nothing but the war, the war, the war. I mean, I’m getting tired of it. Even being Resistance leader, I’m not really a good leader.” A strained laugh. “Your mother put me there because I was...convenient, I guess. It was one of those reasons I didn’t expect Holdo to take Leia’s place. I thought it was my job to step up. To take action.” Poe sighed. “I feel like I was just doing what Leia told me to do. What was expected of me. She thought she knew me. She didn’t.”

”We do. I do.” Ben wished he could say more. "Poe...I had a feeling that you didn’t do anything regarding Aunt Amilyn on purpose. You’re a good man. I know you are.”

”You sacrificed yourself to save Rey. And then came back. I didn’t do much.”

”Don’t say that." Whoever thought Poe was useless and insignificant, Ben would beat them with the handle of his lightsaber and not care about how Dark Side he came off. “You fought off Exegol’s forces. You saved me — in more ways than one. That’s not insignificant.”

”Yeah. Sorry I’m...whining, Ben.”

”You’re Poe Dameron. A strong, brave, pure-hearted man. That’s not insignificant.”

”I can believe you believe it.”

Ben’s heart broke just then. What had happened to Poe? Had it been when Snoke made him torture Poe? Had it been everything after? Even the fact Ben had been forced didn’t mean that he hadn’t put little seeds in Poe that grew into bigger, more poisonous thoughts. 

”I’ll keep telling you until the lies people put in your head die,” Ben said.

Poe moved closer, and Ben said, “I’ll tell you then, about what I see for both of us. Maybe on Yavin, living in a home like your parents’...and I’ll keep you safe.”

”After the war? Sounds good. I’ll keep you safe too, Ben. I promise.”

Ben knew he could get used to snuggling with Poe to fall asleep, he really could. 


	23. When You Take Your Life Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The liberation of Batuu begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Title from Skillet’s “Not Gonna Die”.

It took a week or so, practicing with their lightsabers and whatnot, but they reached Batuu. Ben didn’t miss the way the ship’s console beeped even as they drew closer, even as the serene surface of the planet drew in. The serenity of the planet was just a facade; Ben knew what was really down there. 

Batuu. Guarded by Alixus Krivane, seen by many as the Resistance-era Saul Karath. Like Karath, the First Order had given him a test of his loyalty in bombarding his homeplanet, and Krivane had accepted. (Although in Karath’s case, it was more like his protégé Carth Onasi’s homeplanet)

Ben dreaded facing Krivane. It wasn’t like he was afraid of redemption, but he almost didn’t want to think of how much damage he’d done. 

”Right,” he said. “We’re not killing any troopers. No matter what.”

Poe didn’t say anything. Just a nod. 

The others didn’t say anything, and they didn’t have to. Ben knew they knew they weren’t killing anyone. 

***

Batuu was chaos at that moment, stormtroopers shooting at them. A flurry of blaster fire, civilians hiding in their homes even as Ben and the others took down the troopers — non-lethally, of course. Even as Ben froze them, as did Rey, Finn shot, as did Poe, Zorii and Jannah, Rose using her taser. Kaydel and Beaumont and Kare also shot, and Artoo used his shock arm (as did BB-8). Stormtroopers vs. Resistance fighters and one defected Supreme Leader. Of course they lost. 

”Threepio,” Ben said to the golden protocol droid. “I need you to evacuate the civilians. I have a feeling that Krivane’s going to retaliate when he sees what’s going on. Or his other men will.”

”Covering all your bases, I see,” Poe said. 

Threepio sounded flustered. “Oh, Master Ben, I assure you I’ll make sure they’re safe.”

”Good work.” Ben flashed him a thumbs up. “Just be careful. Take Artoo with you.”

”Of course, Master Ben!”

Ben sighed even as Threepio and Artoo headed off. “May the Force be with them,” he said. “Come on; we’re getting every stormtrooper into custody we can. Every officer too.”

***

”Well, if it isn’t our traitorous Supreme Leader, back from the dead.”

Even facing Krivane, a bearded man with auburn hair who looked upon Ben with disdain and hatred, Ben sighed. “Kylo Ren is dead,” he said to Krivane. “I’m...a better man now.”

”Weaker,” Krivane said. “What is the matter with you, teaching me all I know and then forsaking us? You could have made us strong.”

”Alixus, I know one thing that made Hux convert you was threatening your men,” Ben said. “I know you cared about them. They won’t be hurt. I promise. And you can make a plea that you were under duress.”

Silence. 

”That’s a hell of an offer,” Krivane said. “But...I’m gonna have to decline.”

Freezing Krivane’s blaster bolt in midair was too easy. As was freezing Krivane himself. Not to mention freezing his bodyguards.

Even speaking to the Batuu government, one of them said, “You were...Krivane’s superior?”

”Long story,” Ben said. “Look, whatever you do, treat them kindly. Keep them locked up but...treat them kindly.”

”You could stay,” said the government worker. “We could — ”

“That’s kind of you but we’re on a bit of a mission. Liberating more First Order outposts. While you’re at it, you should probably get out of there with the prisoners before Krivane’s soldiers retaliate.”

The government worker nodded. Then, “May the spires keep you.”

”May the spires keep you.” 

***

Threepio and Artoo got the others to their transports, and got back to the Falcon in time for the bombs to start dropping. Even sitting in the cockpit with Poe, Ben said, “You think there’s a way to take out the cannons?”

”You’re talking to someone who helped take out the Finalizer’s cannons,” Poe said, grinning. 

Ben beamed. “Poe Dameron, you really are a genius. Now, come on. Let’s hit Krivane’s ship with all we’ve got!”

Poe steered the Falcon towards the ship. “I’m on it!”


	24. A Kinder Context

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe stops Krivane’s ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe was the best pilot in the Resistance for a reason, Ben thought even as Poe steered the Falcon towards the cannons. Down below, Ben could sense Rey clambering down to the turrets in order to fire them off, and she fired just in time for one of the cannons to go off. 

It was a close shave, Ben thought, even as they glided smoothly along the cannon ranges, taking them out one by one. And finally, with Rey firing at the one in the very front. 

”You did it!” Ben shouted. He turned towards Rey, then Poe. “I never thought you two would be a good team!”

Rey chuckled, sounding muffled where she was sitting at the gun turrets. “I never thought so either.”

***

”So,” Poe said, “We did it. We took out the First Order base on Batuu. Now we just have to figure out what next.”

There was silence around the group table. Ben could sense that they were starting to warm up to him at least a little bit. A little. Small steps, but it was enough. 

“There’s a lot," Ben said. "And that’s not even counting the fact we actually need a system of government after...Hosnia Prime.”

He shifted now, uncomfortably, thinking about it. He remembered trying to argue against the very idea of Starkiller Base, cloaking it in pragmatism (even though Kylo Ren could be about as pragmatic as a wet paper bag), saying that there wouldn’t be any worlds left to conquer if Starkiller Base was used too much. And quoting his grandfather: “The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”

Of course Hux had been gung-ho about it. Anything to bring order, even fear. Kylo had included a reference to his mother’s jab at Tarkin, that the more he tightened his grip, the more star systems would slip through his fingers. Of course, the jab had completely flown over Hux’s head or he didn’t appreciate it. 

”We still have stormtrooper facilities to let out," Jannah said. “Destroy completely and liberate. So...”

”There is that,” Poe said. “What do you remember of the stormtrooper facilities, Ben?”

The Resistance listened. They were, at least, starting to trust him. Ben hoped he didn’t let them down. 

***

It was in their quarters that Ben turned towards Poe. “They’re starting to trust me,” he said. “Starting to.”

”They are. You’re doing good. No, great, Ben.”

Ben smiled feebly. He hadn’t started the stormtrooper kidnappings (that was before he even joined the First Order) but he hadn’t made an effort to stop them. “I hope so. I do wish that I had taken action sooner, because as Supreme Leader, I could have taken action about the stormtroopers and I just...didn’t." A beat. "Before, I actually thought that Snoke should make a clone army. A clone army, of all things! But none of my actions as Supreme Leader made any sense. I can’t think of anything that makes them consistent with each other. Maybe they made sense at the time, but...” He broke off. “The best I can do is fix them.”

”Exactly. I don’t like what you did, but you’re working to fix it, and I am proud of you.”

”I haven’t heard that in a long time,” Ben said. Maybe his uncle thought it when they’d met briefly in the afterlife, but no one had really said it outright to him. That they were proud. Even before Ben had become a monster, for that matter. Maybe they thought it, but why couldn’t they say it out loud?

Of course, the three saviors of the galaxy did have issues expressing how they felt. Not that they didn’t feel love for Ben, and intensely, but they had issues saying it outright for any number of reasons. They were flawed. Not bad, but flawed. They made mistakes, like everyone else in the galaxy. 

”Well, I am,” Poe said. “More than anything, Ben. You’re being so brave. Fantastic.”

”There’s so much I need to do,” Ben said. 

”But you’ve started. That counts.”

Ben bit his lip. “You keep believing in me,” he said. “Even when I keep pushing you away.”

”Should I not?“

”It’s not that,” Ben said. “It just amazes me is all. How you can look at me and stay.”

”Because I want to. And you want me to.”

Silence. 

”There’s something I was wondering about,” Poe said. “When we were on Batuu, I just had this vision. Just a flash, but...am I just chewing spice without knowing it?”

”Stuff like that doesn’t usually just happen,” Ben said. "Usually, it happens in Force Sensitives...”

”So it’s my awakening too?” Poe said. 

”Well, it would make sense. You love everyone...”

Poe snorted. “Ben...”

”But really,” Ben said, “It could be a way to rebuild everything. Or let the old ways...no, that’s up to Rey. I had this image, when I became Supreme Leader, that I would get rid of the old ways. That there wouldn’t be any of the Jedi’s mistakes, or the Sith’s greed. But just because it seems beautiful doesn’t mean it’s meant to be.”

”Whatever you choose,” Poe said, “I’ll be with you. We’ll be with you.”

There was something about that idea that warmed him. When he’d touched hands with Rey, Ben had seen not only her (though he hadn’t told her), but Poe with him...and Finn, and others. All by his side, putting an end to corruption in the galaxy. It had seemed too wonderful to be logical. Now...were there things he could take from this and apply in a kinder context?

Of course, that was up to Rey. She needed to actually decide. But Ben could say, between everyone on the Falcon, he could get used to not being alone anymore. 


	25. No Longer Intimidated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Maz and Poe discuss Poe’s Force Sensitivity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

There was something about Ben’s suggestion that Poe was Force Sensitive that was enough to set off a dream of Poe’s own. Something about it that was enough for Poe to remember the Finalizer. The Finalizer, only he was reaching out through the Force to help him, and he found himself forgetting what he had to do. What he had to rely on. The Finalizer, only Ben was unmasked, yellow-eyed, and Snoke was speaking through him. The Finalizer, only Poe was trying to get through to Ben, to save him from himself...

Poe snapped awake in that moment, gasping for breath, and so did Ben at the same time. “Ben?" Poe said. 

”I felt you,” Ben said. 

”Kriff...” Poe took a shaky breath. “I was there. On the Finalizer.”

”Do you...want me to leave?” Ben said softly. 

Poe shook his head. “Stay. Stay with me.”

Ben settled back on the bed. Then, “I’m sorry. There are so many reasons I’m sorry."

”Oh, Ben, you don’t have to be.”

”I’m sorry Rey kissed me — ”

“It’s water under the bridge.”

” — that I tortured you — ”

“Snoke did it,” Poe said. 

” — for all of it. And now I’m in your nightmares. I really am a monster.”

”Shhhh,” Poe soothed. “You’re not. I love you, Ben.”

”I love you too, and that’s why I can’t stand you being...sad.”

Ben ran his long fingers over Poe’s cheek, and Poe could feel a conviction to make Poe as happy as he possibly could be. 

”I shouldn’t have mentioned you being Force Sensitive,” Ben said. “You didn’t need that. The nightmares.”

”Shhhh.” Poe kissed him again. 

He couldn’t hate Ben. No matter how much they had both been through, and maybe it was because of what they had been through, he couldn’t hate Ben. Not even a little bit, actually. 

”Look,” Poe said once he broke away from Ben, “Maybe we could...deal with this one step at a time? Talk with Maz about it.”

”That’s a good idea,” Ben said. “Really.”

Poe could feel Ben’s hand caressing the side of his face. A gentle caress that somehow made him feel like he was safe. Treasured.

”I got you,” Ben said. “Really.”

***

”You wanted to talk with me?” Maz said. “Both of you?”

Ben nodded. “Maz...I might have given Poe a nightmare.”

Poe looked over at him and sighed. “Ben,” he said, “You didn’t.” Ben already had a feeling that he was being too kind. He turned to Maz. “Ben suspects I may be Force Sensitive.”

”Leia suspected it too,” Maz said. "Especially being in the proximity of that Force Sensitive tree.” 

Ben thought about it. What would it have been like, if Poe were a Jedi? If Poe had trained alongside him? Maybe Poe would have kept him from tipping over the edge, or he would have dragged this beautiful, unique being down with him. Maybe he could have kept Poe from running away — or he would have run away with Poe.

What would have happened? Ben had no idea. 

”I...” Ben bit his lip. "I just wish it had helped him earlier.”

”I do too,” Poe said. “But there’s nothing we can do about it now.” Then, “Maz...is it possible that I could train to ward off future telepathic attacks?”

It wasn’t aimed at him. Somehow. Ben couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt nonetheless. 

”That’s one thing we’re offering,” Maz said. "You could train under me, with Ben.”

Ben watched Poe’s reaction. Then Poe spoke. “If it protects me, and other people around me.”

***

It was back in their quarters that Ben turned to look at Poe. Poe, who was so strong, so fantastic, just in that very moment. So very wonderful. Even as Ben looked at him, he couldn’t help but be amazed. 

”After what I did,” Ben said, “I think you have every right to at least be wary of the Force.”

”Ben,” Poe said, “It was Snoke and Palpatine, not you.” Then, “I want to learn. I want to become stronger.”

”You’re already strong. Stronger than me.”

”I mean, wanting to defend the people around me. And myself.”

Snoke had made him. Ben knew that. It didn’t really erase the sharp stabbing pain in his heart. 

”Then...if you want me to, I’ll help you. If it makes up for what I’ve done, and keeps you safe.”

Poe smiled faintly. “This wasn’t how I pictured becoming a Jedi but...here we are.”


	26. Let Me In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben starts teaching Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“I can’t believe that we have to go through so many of Maz’s holocrons,” Poe commented even as they walked into the cargo hold, where Maz had apparently stored the holocrons. 

”It does feel like stealing, doesn’t it?” Ben said. 

Poe shrugged. “Well, she gave us permission. Honestly, it’s good that we have these things, or...”

”Yeah.” Then, “Apparently, we’re looking for Atton Rand’s holocron.” 

”Ah. I see. Sith assassin Han Solo.”

”Ex-Sith assassin,” Ben said. “And you’re talking to an ex-Supreme Leader, remember?”

”Touché.” Poe sighed. “Let’s see...Visas Marr, Brianna Kae, stars, how much stuff from the Old Republic era does Maz have?”

”A lot?”

Poe looked over at him and started laughing. Ben forgot how much he missed Poe’s genuine laugh. 

Finally, “There’s Atton’s,” Ben said. “Looks a bit battered, but it’ll do.”

Even holding it, he couldn’t help but think of how similar the two of them really were. Both of them doing evil, and then coming back from it, just in time. 

They activated the holocron. It was there that Ben saw Atton’s image — a small, slim man, dark-haired.

”Kriff, is this thing on?” Atton’s recording said. “I’m still trying to get the hang of this thing. Ah. It is on.” A beat. “Look, people, if you’re learning from me, please don’t write this down in your notes that Atton Rand can’t turn on a holocron.”

Poe laughed, a sympathy laugh. 

Atton continued. “But yeah, I’m here to teach you. About shielding your mind, just through playing pazaak.” A beat. “Bear with me here; it’ll make sense as I go on. But yeah, some Dark Jedi attack you by going for the more...psychic assaults.” Ben thought he heard Atton mutter something about “my wife’s old witch of a mentor" before going, “Fortunately, there’s a solution for that. In short...you have to fake it. Imagine that you’re playing pazaak, counting hyperspace routes, ticks in the power coupling, feeling something that you’re not. Picture that, and that image...you concentrate hard enough and it becomes a counterpoint to what that person’s doing to you. It’s something I learned during both Wars, and hopefully, I can teach it to you...”

***

The hologram recording shut off. Ben sighed. “Force,” he said, “I wish that I’d had that when Palpatine was basically raping my mind...”

”I wish I’d been able to help you,” Poe said, softly.

”Not your fault.”

”And it’s not your fault either. Leia should have taught you...Ben, look at me.”

Ben did. 

”There were so many things your family should have done. Tried to protect you. Luke...I can excuse him being under mind control when he nearly killed you. But Leia? If she knew about Palpatine and didn’t do anything...there was no reason for her to not do anything.” Poe sighed. “I still respect her and look up to her, but I know there’s some things she did that I don’t understand.”

”I suppose.” Then, “Poe...I admit I am scared of hurting you.”

”You won’t. I trust you.”

Ben reached out just then. Felt the rumbling in Poe’s head that seemed to preclude an avalanche —

— and jolted back. He was reminded of when he had jolted back during Rey’s interrogation, but that was because she’d made him; here, he couldn’t do it again. 

”It’s okay, Ben,” Poe said. “I trust you. I love you.”

Tentatively, like he was approaching a wounded animal, Ben tried again. 

And Poe deflected him pretty easily. 

A picture of them sitting in the Falcon’s hold as young adults when Poe came back from Kijimi...that was what Ben saw when he was jolted gently out of Poe’s mind. 

”Is that...”

”Yeah. I wanted to use one of our memories. Whatever...happened after you left, they make me happy. Those memories of when we were younger.” Poe wet his lips. “I thought that if we’re going up against a Dark Jedi or something...I might as well have a happy memory close to me before I die.”

”Do you wish I was the old Ben again?”

”I love you,” Poe said. “Old Ben, Kylo, new Ben. They’re not separate people. They’re one man." He stood on tiptoes to kiss Ben’s cheek, and Ben felt a tug of adoration for this man he wouldn’t mind being blinded by. 

”I love you too,” Ben said. “All of you.”

***

Rey was pretty impressed with Atton as well. “I could have used that technique when...y’know, Snoke...”

Ben looked at her, remembering the sight of her hovering almost uncannily in the air, screaming. He should have intervened sooner, he thought. Damn him and his own determination to stick to his own plan to kill Snoke...

”There’s a lot of should haves and could haves,” Ben said. 

”It’s no use dwelling on them,” Maz said. “The past is, unfortunately, quite linear. The best you can do is learn from it.”

Ben couldn’t help but notice Kylo Ren could have stood to learn from it instead of trying to kill the past.

***

”All right. Try again, Ben,” Poe coaxed. “I’m not scared.”

”I swear your courage makes me love you more,” Ben said. “And fear for you more.”

”Just...let’s give this another try,” Poe said. “It’s okay, Ben.”

Brown eyes, so very trusting. So very forgiving. Ben knew he didn’t deserve the way Poe looked at him. 

Ben took a deep breath and went in...


	27. Let’s Give This Another Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which difficulties arise, and Ben and Poe have their first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for Snoke being an asshole. Hell, Snoke-interacting-with-Kylo should be a trigger warning all its own.

Let’s give this another try. That was what Poe had said when they were about to try all this again, but Ben wouldn’t deny that he was shaking. His hand was shaking. He watched even as Poe met his eyes — his gaze wasn’t defiant, but trusting, but Ben was still scared for him.

Poe blocked him again. A memory of them climbing Yavin’s Force tree this time. “You’re going too gentle on me,” Poe said. “I think I’m having too easy a time blocking you.”

”Maybe you’re just that good?”

Poe snorted. “Bantha poodoo. You’re _scared_. You’re going too easy on me because you’re scared. I’m not made of transparisteel, Ben. I’m not gonna break.”

”I can still remember last time,” Ben said. 

”That was different. Snoke made you. Probably Palpatine too. I’m here, you’re trying to protect me...think of it like you’re trying to protect me.”

Ben swallowed. He could all but feel how worried Poe was — not frustrated, but worried. 

”I want to give you everything,” he said. “Heal every wound you ever had.”

”You already are,” Poe said. “Really.” A beat. “Look...if you’re scaring the hell out of me, we’ll just have a word. I mean, people on the kinkier side use them; we could just...”

”It’s training, not kink.”

”You get what I mean. I was thinking ‘Finalizer’ could be our cue to stop.”

There was definitely a method in his madness. Ben nodded just then. “Okay. ‘Finalizer’ it is.”

”Good. Hit me with your best shot.”

Ben hesitated. Thought of Del Meeko, who he’d interrogated; that was one of his ‘best shots'. Could he do that to Poe?

He reached out. Tried to make it stronger, more certain. Reaching. Not too much force (on any level). He watched even as Poe’s neck was all but exposed to him —

(A crack of a head against the rack and a groan that sounded wrong coming out of Poe, and Kylo hating himself for wringing out that noise)

”Finalizer!” Ben gasped, withdrawing from Poe’s mind like it was a forest fire. 

***

”The Dark Jedi you meet aren’t going to be merciful to Poe. To anyone.” Maz said sternly. Even as Poe held Ben’s hand, Ben couldn’t help but feel more useless than when he’d lost the fight on Ilum. If he couldn’t protect Poe, what good was he?

“Tell me something I don’t know, Maz,” Ben said tightly. “I can’t do this to him again.”

”Letting fear have its chains on you only makes it stronger.”

"Well, maybe some fears can’t be overcome,” Ben said. 

”Why?” Maz said. 

”It just is,” Ben said. “Snoke won in that regard. He got me scared. I’m not...if I can't protect Poe and others, what use am I, Maz?”

”You look so much like your grandfather,” Maz said. “The look in your eyes. They’re brown where his were blue, but they bear the same pain. The same anxiety. But you are unlike him in the sense of how he treated harming his soulmate.” A beat. “He blamed his mentor for his actions when he was fully in control of his impulses, his insecurities. You...you were forced and still blame yourself.” A sorrowful shake of her head. “Terribly ironic. Alike, yet different in all the ways that matter.”

”If that was your attempt to comfort me, it’s not working,” Ben said tightly.

"It is ironic that the one who was coerced blames himself.”

”I could have left when I had the chance,” Ben said. 

”But Snoke had traps,” Maz said. “Traps keeping you there.”

”He said Poe wouldn’t want me...after what he did to me and what I did to others. And that my own family wouldn’t want me. That I really was destined for the Dark Side if my own father didn’t want me — ouch, Poe, you’re holding my hand too tight!”

He could feel the righteous anger from Poe. The desire to protect. And Ben wondered what he had done to deserve that.

Maz nodded. “You were already being coerced even then.”

Suddenly Ben swore it was like a barrel of toxic waste, toxic waste that was every bit of abuse and misery he had endured, was poured all over him and he couldn’t scrub it off. 

”Who am I, Maz? What am I?”

Maz looked at him, and Ben could feel her compassion. It only made him feel worse. 

”You’re whoever you want to be,” she said. 

***

Their quarters. Poe sat on the bed in that moment. “Ben,” he said, “You could have told me.”

”I could have.” Ben took a shaky breath. “Kriff, I can’t believe...well, I should have known I was being manipulated all along. I know but I don’t quite _know_...”

"You’re more than what Snoke did to you. I know you.”

How Poe had so much faith in him, Ben didn’t know. But he could feel a certain need — a need to be reassured that he was still sentient, that he meant something. And Poe...

”Poe,” he said, “If we went...further than kissing...”

Poe looked at him. “You want this?"

”Maybe now. Maybe in the future. But...” How did he describe his feelings? "Poe, I want to know how your body feels against mine. I want to enjoy just being the other half of each other without any fear. I just...I want every part of you. Not just your body, but your mind, your heart...the fact you love me.”

”I want this too. I’ve wanted it, when I’ve thought about it. Your body, your mind, your very self.”

They kissed, almost like both of them needed the other desperately, and Ben broke away. “Do you want me to...”

”Ben,” Poe said, “You can do whatever you want to me.”

Whatever he wanted. So much trust, so much power in that phrase. Ben was gentle, kissing and nipping at Poe’s throat, and kriff, he loved those whines and gasps that he was wringing out of Poe. 

”Kriff, I love your neck,” Ben muttered. He did wonder how one “talked dirty” during sex, but apparently it was easy to praise Poe when he was just touching him, when everything about Poe only made Ben fall deeper in love with him. "How are you so beautiful, Poe?” A nip along his jawline, licks and nibbles that drew a whimper from Poe. 

”Oh, kriff,” Poe whispered. “Ben...”

It was in the midst of his attentions that Ben froze. “Is that your mother’s ring?”

”Yeah.” Poe said. "I...you don't mind that I’m wearing it, do you? I thought of giving it to you...when I can.”

“I don’t mind at all.” Kriff, just the idea of marrying Poe...it shouldn’t have made Ben ache with need. But he wanted it. The idea that this angelic man wanted to marry him... “Poe...can I see you naked? I want to see more of you.”

”Please.”

A white shirt and a scarf being disposed of, Ben regretting it momentarily; the way it looked on Poe was just so enticing. And Poe’s bare chest...Ben watched him, feeling his desire burn even hotter. Beach-gold skin, dark brown nipples that begged for Ben’s mouth and fingers and everything. 

”You’re beautiful,” Ben murmured. His shaft was already aching in his pants, aching and needing to be touched. “I...what do you want me to do?”

”Whatever you feel like.” Poe stole a look at Ben’s trousers and smiled just then. “I’m really that irresistible? That appealing?”

”I’d almost hate you for being so desirable,” Ben said. “For being so beautiful. So kind. So...everything.”

"Show me."

Ben didn’t miss how Poe sounded as Ben kissed and nibbled and licked at him. How his gasps sounded, his whimpers and moans as Ben teased his nipples. “Ben...you’re so good, Ben..."

As enticing as Poe’s moans were, it was sweet to get little giggles out of him as Ben nipped down his flat yet soft belly. Endearingly soft. It was a detail that showed he had been safe and cared for. “Ben...” Another sweet sounding giggle. 

”You should take pride in your body more often,” Ben murmured. "It’s beautiful.” He could feel Poe soaking up the praise, all but preening a little, and he did smile. 

Downwards. Marking Poe’s thighs with kisses and licks and bites. Poe, moaning softly, and Ben, trying vainly not to grind against him with just how good he felt. Emotionally and physically. And then Poe, softly, begged for Ben to touch him. Ben did. Worked Poe, caressed his shaft until Poe was erupting into Ben’s hand. 

And Poe...well, he did what he could to repay the favor. Ben would say he did beautifully. 

***

They lay together, both naked, Ben feeling more content and happy and safe than he had in a while. Even as Poe nuzzled against him, Ben said softly, “I wouldn’t...mind, doing this again. It was wonderful.”

”Yeah. You did good. You’re making me so very proud, Ben. So very happy.” 

”I’m glad.” 

Even as they snuggled together, Ben knew that they’d find some way to get around this hurdle of protecting Poe, no matter what. 


	28. Stuff That Was His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben lets the cat out of the bag, and Poe tells Ben about what else he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

”Are you well?” Maz said the next morning even as Ben and Poe sat at the table with the others. 

”Better,” Ben said. He could feel Finn's distrustful gaze on him; Finn probably suspected something even if he didn’t know explicitly what it was. A sigh. “I’m thinking of...maybe we could learn lightsaber training.”

”Wait, hold on,” Poe said. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

”What is going on?” Finn said. He sounded anxious — definitely ready to lash out at Ben if necessary. 

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Ben said to Poe. 

Unfortunately, in front of Finn, that proved to be the wrong thing to say. 

***

”What did you do to Poe?”

Ben didn’t miss the underlying worry, the underlying anger, in Finn’s voice as they spoke in medbay. Finn wasn’t reaching for his blaster yet, but Ben could tell that he was tempted to. 

”Finn,” Poe said, “He didn’t hurt me. He was gentle with me.” A beat. “Plus, considering he was forced into it the first time, don’t you think you’re being a bit unfair?”

Finn’s face softened, and his hand strayed away from his blaster. "I just...you’re my friend, Poe,” Finn said. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

”I’m not. He’s teaching me,” Poe said. “How to keep out mental attacks. He’s doing his best.”

Finn nodded. Then, “He’s...trying to protect you?”

”I’m trying,” Ben said.

Finn paused. “You look like a gizka in a minefield right now, Ben. Are you...”

”Yes. I am scared. Of hurting Poe again.”

It seemed to dawn on Finn that he had nearly lashed out at someone who hadn’t done what he thought they did. 

”I didn’t think you, of all people, would have a moment like this,” Finn said.

”I’ll work on it,” Ben said. "Showing you that...I am better than who I used to be.”

Finn nodded. “You’re working at it. I was distrustful of you at first. Especially since you’ve been unnecessarily cruel multiple times over.”

Poe looked like he was about to speak up, only for Ben to mouth, “It’s okay.”

Finn continued. “But...you are starting to earn my respect, with the man you’re becoming. Vader died without really making amends for what he did. But you...you’re actually working at it. I respect you, if only for that.” 

”Thank you.” Ben never thought that he would thank Finn. It seemed that resurrection was opening up a lot of doors.

Finn did smile. “It’s the truth. You better take care of Poe. He’s important to everyone here.”

”Yeah.”

Ben could imagine. Especially given how important Poe was to him. One would have to be monumentally stupid to not appreciate how wonderful Poe was. 

***

“So...you’re scared,” Poe said. “Do you see...what happened on the Finalizer when you’re trying to teach me?”

In their quarters, Ben nodded.

”Oh stars, Ben,” Poe said. “Is it like...reliving it?”

”I don’t want to lose control. Hurt you.”

Poe took his hands. “Ben,” he said, “You won’t. I trust you. We...don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but just know I trust you.”

”I’ll go...slow,” Ben said. “I don’t want to scare you.”

There was something about going slow, steady, that gave him more confidence — only blocked by another happy memory of Poe's. This time, reuniting on Adani, Poe inhaling the scent of Ben’s robes.

”That memory,” Ben said softly as he withdrew. “You have a lot of happy memories of me.”

”Of course I do, Ben. If I didn’t know you...I don’t think that’s a galaxy worth thinking about.”

”No.” A galaxy without Poe — it wasn’t a galaxy worth thinking about. ”It’s not.”

Ben took a shaky breath. Then, “Let’s give it another try, Poe. Just to keep you safe.”

***

Ben could say he was getting more certain at this — certain, and yes, that was terrifying, but he was glad he was getting Poe to sharpen his skills. Poe, who was getting stronger, sharper, faster, and Ben loved him for it, for that fire in him, for that determination. 

”You’re doing it, Poe,” Ben said. “You’re doing beautifully.” They were on their way to conquering their own demons, the monsters that had kept them so long apart. "Really.”

Impulsively, he kissed Poe’s forehead because he could, and Poe’s smile — Force, it was one of those instances where Ben knew he’d do anything for that smile. 

***

It was after their lessons that Poe said, “I don’t just have those memories. I have more.”

”Show me.”

Poe pulled the box out from under the bed, put it on his lap as he opened it up. Ben saw something, something he never expected to see again. 

"You saved my calligraphy set," Ben said.

”Of course I did.”

”And you had it waiting?” Ben said. 

”I was always waiting for you.”

The set was ruined, crushed from when Ben had brought the hut down that horrible night. When he pointed that out, Poe said, “It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m not getting rid of it because of that. It’s something that was yours, something that’s you, and getting rid of it won’t be easy.”

Ben nodded, if slowly. The fact Poe kept it, even though it was in such shoddy shape...it was something. He supposed there was something symbolic in it — even though the set was ruined, Poe had kept it and had faith in it. 

Of course Snoke was wrong about Poe not wanting him. Now was testament enough to that. 

”Thank you,” he said. He hoped that Poe simply knew he loved him, that for him, he’d tear down anything that put Poe in danger. 

”You don’t need to thank me,” Poe said. “I thought I’d show you. Because you needed to know.”


	29. Alliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zia, Krivane and Cindra make a return appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“Are you certain that making an alliance with a Sith Lord is a good idea?”

That was what Lightning said to Zia Rand en route to Batuu — Cindra had apparently sensed Kylo and the others’ liberation of the planet (Zia would never call him “Ben”. He wasn’t Ben; he was Kylo. Anyone who said he was Ben was deluding themselves) and wanted to see them punished for Kylo freeing them. For betraying the First Order. 

It wasn’t really a punishment, Zia thought. After all, she was mostly making sure Batuu knew what they still owed the First Order. Making sure they knew. 

”Lightning, what choice do we have?” Zia said. “She’ll save us. She’ll bring the First Order back to its former glory. I know it, Lightning.”

Lightning sighed. “I wish I could believe it, Commander, but...I have a bad feeling about this. There’s something about her eyes. They’re...it’s like looking into a forest fire.”

Zia snorted. “You’re a soldier. You shouldn’t be scared just by someone’s eyes.”

”No, but I am. I can’t put my finger on it, but I am.”

”Lightning...we need to trust her. Even if it hurts. Even if it scares us.”

Lightning tilted his head skeptically. He didn’t need to say anything. That gesture said it all. 

***

They shot out of hyperspace over Batuu. Cindra stood on the bridge, almost uncannily still; Zia couldn’t help but wonder how she was able to stay almost statue-like. 

”Batuu is defenseless against us,” Cindra said. "Perfect.” Then, “I think we ought to pay the government and the failure Krivane a visit...”

Zia nodded. 

***

Slaughtering guards, soldiers, and more was child’s play. And to Krivane’s jailer’s credit, she faced Zia and Cindra with dignity, her head high and face calm. “The more you kill, the more will rise,” she said. 

”We,” Cindra said. “Shall see about that.”

Zia fired. The government worker went down. 

Krivane, who was in her custody, blinked. “Who the hell are you tw — ”

“Allies,” Cindra said. “I’m thinking of leaving Batuu a little reminder, shall we?”

Zia watched as Cindra’s red lightsaber sliced through the government worker’s neck, severing her head. Perching it on the desk, she looked at it almost like an artist appraising her latest work. “Gets the point across nicely, doesn’t it?” she said. 

”It...does.” Krivane sounded uneasy. “You’re allies?”

Zia nodded. “All three of us have a problem with Kylo Ren. Would you say our goals are compatible?”

Krivane nodded. “The sonuvaschutta destroyed my ship’s guns and killed my men. I’m ready to get him back.”

”All right then.” Though Zia couldn’t say what kind of man thought that destroying a ship’s cannons was a legitimate reason to get someone back...it seemed they needed each other. For the time being. “Come on.”


	30. Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group prepares to go back to Exegol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Bloomsburry-dhazel on Reddit was kind enough to make this cover art for me. Thank you so much!
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b0/cc/83/b0cc83f6eb35b864f0a0b61c341fd082.gif
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ba/60/31/ba6031012a1f1bb34d47f0cb7329ae8c.jpg

It was on the Falcon that Ben felt the pain shooting through his head, a pain that felt different, somehow, like there was something there that wasn’t there at all anymore. Like someone, or something, had just gone away. Had that been what happened at Alderaan, when Tarkin had destroyed it? Ben just knew in that moment that Batuu’s mission had been jeopardized. That Krivane had escaped. 

”Ben!” Poe’s voice. “Ben, are you okay?”

Ben looked up at Poe, becoming aware that he was in the Falcon, that he was safe. That he was okay. 

”I am,” he said, “Now that you’re here.” He took a deep breath. “Krivane’s escaped. I can feel it.”

”Great.” Poe muttered. “Now we have to actually find him.” A beat. “Do you have any idea who let him out?”

”I know one presence. Zia, the woman who...gave me that scar.”

”She tortured you, Ben,” Poe said. “I just don’t want you thinking that what happened was your fault.”

A hand, trailing along the mostly healed line on Ben’s face. Ben had a feeling he’d have that scar forever, as a memento to the beginnings of his reunion with Poe. 

”But Zia took him,” Poe said. “The other?”

”A Sith. Not a Sith I’ve seen before. She...I feel like I should have recognized her on Exegol, but there were so many black-robed Sith cultists it could have been anyone.”

"They’re probably going back to Exegol,” Poe said. “Good thing we have those coordinates, or...”

”Yeah.” Ben said.

”It’s a start,” Poe said. “A start’s better than nothing, really.”

And Ben...Ben knew he couldn’t help but be grateful just to have Poe, he really was. 

***

”I never thought we’d have to go back to Exegol,” Rey said. “I mean...”

”Yeah, I know the feeling,” Ben said. The place where he’d died and been revived...it wouldn’t be easy going back there. "Best we can do is try and cope. It won’t be just us.”

He felt Poe’s hand tighten on his own. The reminder that he wasn’t about to lose Ben again. Ben was, at least, grateful for that. 

They were never going to be split up again, Ben knew that much. 

Finn nodded. "We’re sticking together,” he said. “All of us. Every one of us.”

Ben didn’t miss how Finn’s hand held Rey’s — or how she didn’t brush it away. 

"The war against the First Order is far from over,” Maz Kanata said. “But two will not be enough to stand against the remnants of the First Order. We need to make our stand. Our last stand was not the first battle of Exegol. Wherever our last stand is...we must stand together.”

“Yeah.” Zorii was holding Jess’ hand. “Oh, and Spice Runner? I’m not turning up late for the party this time.”

Poe laughed. “Thought so, Zorii.”

***

Ben turned to look at Poe in their quarters just then, when they were there. “You okay?”

”Just...I’m remembering Snap. He was one of my teammates.” Poe ran a hand through his hair, clearly agitated. “He was killed, and I didn’t even get a chance to save him.”

”Oh, Poe...it wasn’t your fault.”

”It was. Just like it was with Paige Tico. I’m not a leader, Ben. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even a hero.”

”I didn’t get to tell you. About Paige.” Ben could still feel the tendrils of guilt, of pain, all but streaming out from Poe. “It wasn’t your fault. She was a hero. She knew what she was doing when she sacrificed herself for the Dreadnaught. And my mother...the fact that she didn’t recognize Paige’s sacrifice and her courage is her failing, not yours."

”She did save us.” Poe said. “A Republic bomber, and people didn’t really _see_...” A beat. “She was so much more than a dead hero.”

He looked like he was about to break down. 

Hesitantly, Ben let his hand rest over Poe’s.

”You went to war,” Ben said. “Poe — do you know how many people I’ve actually killed, for far less justified reasons? It’s why I’m doing this. Because I have done a lot of wrong and...if I can give back to the galaxy, I can at least say that I’m doing something right.”

”You are, Ben.” Poe took his hand, kissed his knuckles. Ben supposed he could get used to that level of attention. That level of devotion. “More than anything.”


	31. A Planet of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exegol brings up strong emotional reactions for our heroes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Coming out of hyperspace to Exegol was enough to make Ben feel, at least momentarily, like he was going to vomit; his head was spinning with nausea and memories.

_— plucking the Sith wayfinder from where it was on Mustafar, looking over it, the shiny ebony triangle that would get him where he needed to be —_

_— his TIE Whisper, gliding over the planet of Exegol, and that cold excitement as he realized he was exactly where he needed to be. All to get rid of a threat to his power —_

_— his hand, crushing the Sith wayfinder Rey had found in his fist —_

Ben shook his head furiously, trying to get rid of that impression, that set of memories that assailed him. 

As if he didn’t have more proof as to how pointlessly cruel he’d been —

“Ben.” Poe’s voice. “Breathe. In for three, out for five.”

”Is this some new meditation technique I missed out on?” Ben said. 

”Just do it. It’ll help.”

Bizarrely enough, it did help. For the moment. 

”We were separated there,” Ben said. “Separated at Exegol. And..." He swallowed. “It could have been permanent. It won’t be easy setting foot on this planet again. I know that much."

”We’re with you, Ben,” Poe said. 

The others didn’t say anything. Just nods.

***

Ben walked through Exegol’s halls, just amazed by the fact that he had been there. Died and was reborn there. He could still remember the Sith cultists in their black robes. Palpatine, hooked up to a claw-like apparatus that Ben still had no idea what for. 

”Looks like a dead end,” Rose said. “Not a Sith cultist to be seen.”

”That doesn’t make sense,” Ben said. “There was a survivor. I don’t know if there were others, but...”

” _A_ survivor,” Rey said. “I guess that’s what killed me; just the explosion of all that energy. It was like a bomb going off...”

She looked over at Ben, in that moment. Ben could tell she felt guilty for his first death. 

”It’s not your fault, Rey,” Ben said. “You...didn’t really have any choice in the matter." 

He looked towards the pit he’d been thrown down. Felt his breathing grow shallow, his body shake — and he forced himself to turn away from the pit. Towards Poe. Towards the others, who were his lifelines — Poe especially.

”I guess Rey stole my thunder,” he said with a faint smile. 

”I don’t know,” Rey said. Then, “I’m hoping he doesn’t have another decaying clone body around here...”

”I think one clone Palpatine was bad enough,” Ben said. “Also, he’d have to be a fool to clone himself multiple times, I think."

They looked around Exegol. Ben was suddenly aware that it was like revisiting old, unpleasant memories. Including that feeling of fading away —

He found himself stamping his feet, jumping up and down on Exegol’s dusty, cold ground to know that it was real. That he was real. 

”We better move on,” Poe said. “I think Ben’s having a panic attack.”

Behind him, Rey looked like she was having the closest thing the former scavenger could have to a panic attack, her hand clapped to her mouth like she was about to vomit. 

”Rey,” Finn said, “In for three, out for five. It’s okay.”

Rey forced a breath in. Ben could tell she was shaking.

Finn hugged her. Ben noticed how safe she seemed — so much like he was with Poe, for that matter. Eventually she withdrew, looking determined. “I’m not letting a flashback hold me back,” she said. 

"That’s my cousin,” Ben said, smiling at her. Rey smiled back, and realizing she was okay...well, it was a comfort.

They needed to stick together, the group of them. They couldn’t afford to be separated on a planet like this. 

***

"This is where Snap died,” Poe said hollowly, looking up at the open sky. Ben didn’t miss the way that his eyes seemed unfocused, like he was staring for miles. “Where I...” He turned towards Ben. “I don’t want to act like I’m suffering more than Kare,” he said. "But...I wish I could have saved him."

”It wasn’t your fault.” A dull ache went through Ben’s chest, knowing that Poe had gone through so much — that he had contributed. 

”I don’t know. I could have saved him.” Poe’s voice shook, like he was trying to restrain himself from crying. “There’s so much I should have done. I...”

Ben could see a snippet from Poe’s mind. Poe, screaming in agony even as Snap fell from the sky like a shooting star. And it hurt. It felt like Poe’s pain was very much his own, like it was throbbing in his chest and festering there as much as it was with Poe’s. What had the Jedi Masters said about Arawn Sinn’s companions, that when they were in pain, that their pain became hers? It was something he felt all too well now — like Poe’s broken heart was his. 

It had been so much the case. Like with Shara Bey. When Shara Bey had died, and he’d wanted to bring Shara Bey back just so Poe wouldn’t have to be sad anymore. And he felt it now, that little boy’s desire to not see Poe sad anymore. 

He hugged Poe. It wasn’t as obvious as a kiss, but he hoped it showed Poe that he wasn’t alone. Because he was selfish, fundamentally, and when Poe was in pain, he hurt too. 

It was okay. He could be selfish — wonderfully, beautifully selfish. It was okay. 

Poe eventually withdrew, seeming at least calmer. "Come on,” he said, “There’s probably something around here, somewhere, that we can use. Anything.”

”Yeah.” Ben took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”


	32. The Journal of Darth Cindra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben comes across revelations about Cindra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was while looking around that Ben found the shadowy room, and the journal. A journal with neat handwriting that said CINDRA in the inside of the cover.   
  
Their enemy. 

Slowly, Ben began to read. 

***

_Exegol. It took me a while to find the wayfinder, but I am here. I used to be a Jedi Master, though I learned that adherence to the Jedi Code alone does not provide answers._

_The clone of the renowned Sith Emperor is decaying, but his arguments — one cannot deny that they are convincing. I know full well making a deal with a monster is dangerous, but I have nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to raise my Ada. She deserves better than this. I only do not know if I do._

***

The journal went on. Years upon years of living on Exegol, away from the sun, starting to doubt the clone Palpatine’s promises, but still having hope and belief for something better. For so much better. Struggling against so much doubt...and then Ben and Rey came into her life. 

Ben had thought she was a nameless Sith cultist. Now...now he knew better. 

***

_We lost. All thanks to that girl, Rey Palpatine. She could have restored the Sith to their former glory, could have made the galaxy strong. She was one of our last hopes, and she left us with nothing. She was our messiah._

_I had so much hope. Now...now most of the Sith on Exegol, my righteous brethren, are dead. The Supreme Leader of the First Order, the traitor — he is dead. I had so much hope, so much belief. It reminds me of when I first came to Palpatine, a Jedi Master without a place to go. A relic of the High Republic days._

_It has been so long I cannot remember my old name before becoming Darth Cindra, but I remember the pain. Lord Sidious...I am sorry. My brethren...I am sorry. I do not know what to do now, except continue this cycle of revenge. Is there a point? We get revenge and are wiped out once again. We always lose._

_But if I must suffer, due to the loss of my mate, my child, my people...then the galaxy will suffer with me.  
_

Ben nearly dropped the journal where he was reading it. 

”She...she had a child,” Rey said. “And we killed that child, Ben.”

A full-grown girl, seeming about Rey’s age or slightly older, a girl drawn in the margins of Cindra’s journal. Captioned under it was...

”It’s Sith for ‘daughter’,” Ben said. “We killed her daughter.” He threw the journal across the room, angry at himself not for the first time. “And for what? What’s the point of this? The constant cycle of killing, of hating each other just because of philosophical differences...it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

Poe hugged him just then. Ben calmed, feeling the shaking in his body start to quiet. 

"We need to find her," Ben said. "Rey — you found me in Zia's torture room. Can you locate her?”

”I don’t know how well I can,” Rey said. “There’s so much Dark Side energy there. But...I can try.”

Ben watched her. Watched her meditate, keeping her calm even amidst the storm. Then, “She’s planning an attack on Pasaana with Krivane and Zia and the others. If we don’t stop her, she’ll bring the screams of the First Order to all the galaxy.”

”Let’s go then,” Ben said. “Come on.”

***

They shot out of hyperspace. It was quiet, of course, before the storm — before a whole First Order battalion shot out of hyperspace. Ben could feel it in that moment, the promise of attack. 

”I’ll get on the comms,” Ben said. He adjusted the comms. “This is Captain Ben Solo of the Millennium Falcon; I wish to speak with Darth Cindra. Personally.”

A harsh, but distinctly female, laugh over the comm. “I never thought Ben Solo would offer himself directly into the hsiss’ jaws.”

”I wish to find a way to end the fighting,” Ben said. “I think that Jedi and Sith have been at war for too long. I know your disappointment in the Jedi. I know that Rey and I made you. If there’s anything I can do to stop the fighting...”

“I am Cindra,” said the voice over the comm. “I assure you, if you think to sway me with a ‘There is still good in you’ speech...you are a fool.” A beat. “But do come on board. I’m...interested in your explanation for your treachery. I always had a sort of curiosity for the unexplainable.”

Poe spoke up. “I’d like to accompany him,” he said. “We were split up long ago. By Snoke and Palpatine. I prefer it not to happen again.”

Silence. 

”It’s a small, insignificant request,” Cindra said. “Besides...I too, know the pain of losing a mate. As long as Poe Dameron doesn’t cause trouble...he may come onboard.”

***

Cindra’s ship, the Vengeance, caught the escape pod as it was jettisoned from the Millennium Falcon. Cindra had to admit she hoped that she wasn’t making a stupid mistake, inviting these two on her ship. 

It would be suicidal at most. 

But she needed answers. Answers as to why her daughter was dead and Rey and Kylo lived. 

They couldn’t stop the cycle. It was what it was. But she could get answers, at least. 


	33. Break the Cycle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben comes up with an unexpected solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Well, we’re entering the homestretch now. I hope this chapter works!

It was entering the ship (where Ben and Poe were both surprised that there was hardly any resistance) that Ben turned to Poe. “There’s something I was thinking of doing. On the Supremacy...that I want to repurpose.”

”I swear if it’s taking over the galaxy — ”

“I didn’t really tell you what I intended to do with the First Order. Before I...lost the plot.” Ben took a deep breath. “I wanted to combine the Jedi and Sith into one order. I wasn’t kidding when I said that I wanted to let old things die. Dark and Light. I saw the toll it took on my uncle, how it ate away at him. I saw how much harm it did. I saw it. And I felt it too. The more I went through texts...” He swallowed. “In another galaxy, Snoke could have preyed on my uncle’s disillusionment.”

”Yeah.”

”I’m thinking of merging the Jedi and Sith teachings. Taking the best of each...discarding the rest. None of this nonsense about no attachments, nothing. I’m finishing what my uncle wanted.”

Poe paused. Then, “It sounds like it would be...something. I’m as tired of this schism as you are. Nothing good’s come out of this hatred.”

”No. And...if we could revive Cindra’s daughter..." 

They remained there, two co-conspirators in a plot they hadn’t revealed yet. 

"I was revived,” Ben said. “She deserves a second chance at life too.”

”Yeah.” Poe said. “I guess I’m just wondering...what will Cindra think?”

***

“You would do this,” Cindra said, “Out of the goodness of your heart? Reviving my daughter, offering an alliance? Surely there is some trick. No one can be that selfless.”

”We are,” Poe said. Even as they stood in the meeting room, Krivane and Zia looking at them suspiciously, Ben admired how he faced Cindra, barely flinching at her flame-like eyes. “We’re willing to find a way to at least...give back to the galaxy.”

”You are telling the truth,” Cindra said, “And your logic is...something that my younger, more idealistic self would very much agree with. I only don’t know if it’s that simple to stop the violence. Jedi and Sith have fought throughout the centuries since Xendor started asking questions. Since the Jedi got afraid.”

”But we’re not afraid anymore,” Ben said. 

”I...” Cindra inhaled, softly. “I can believe that much.”

***

Cindra didn’t like Rey. The people onboard didn’t trust Krivane, Zia or Cindra. 

Ben had a feeling they’d change their minds in time. Even after what Zia did to him, he couldn’t hate her. 

***  
  
Exegol. Even as they landed, and headed towards the rubble in the fortress that used to be the stronghold of Palpatine’s clone, Ben almost wondered if they were going to find the body of Cindra’s daughter. “What was her name?”

”Her birth name was Lissa. Her Sith name was Darth Proserpine.” Cindra took a deep breath. “I only wonder if this is the right thing to do. You come to us, all of you, with courage and compassion — but will that be enough?”

”I’m certain it will be.” Ben said. “I just know.”

Cindra frowned, but nonetheless lifted away the rubble. And she was the one to point out who her daughter was...which one was her daughter. 

Dark hair. Dark hair caked with blood. If not for that, she could have been mistaken for sleeping. Ben glanced over at Rey, who looked like she was about to weep. 

"We should both do this,” Rey said. “This mess is ours, Ben."

”And mine,” Cindra said.

Poe volunteered. Finn too — and when he explained why, Rey said, “Was that...all you wanted to tell me on Pasaana, Finn?”

”Not all,” Finn said. “But still.”

They gathered. And Ben concentrated.

_Live, Lissa. For your mother, for the sake of the galaxy, for a better future, for yourself...live._


	34. Proserpine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does the resurrection work?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben was already shaky, a bit weak when he actually got to his feet — and he watched even as the girl, as Lissa, Darth Proserpine, shuddered awake. 

”Mother,” she said, “Is that...” Then, “There was so much darkness. I thought that was all there was. And you, them...you brought me back. Why? The girl and her dyad-mate wouldn’t just do that...”

The blood was gone from her hair. Her body — it wasn’t at that angle that suggested that something was broken anymore. She was, in the end, very much alive. 

”They’re, apparently,” Cindra said, “Better people than we thought.” A beat. “Little hsiss, I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you when it mattered — ”

“Don’t. Mother...you came back. You don’t have to say you love me. I already know. And you don’t have to say they’re trying.” Darth Proserpine smiled. “I already know.”

***

They ran scans on Proserpine, of course. Her vitals...well, they were healthy. Everything was healed, functioning properly. Ben turned to Cindra. “You can go wherever you want,” he said. “You’re free.”

“I’m not staying because I am beholden,” Cindra said. “Only because I found my purpose.”

(Krivane had tried to stab Ben in the back, literally. Zia had put him in the Falcon’s brig. Zia, of all people)

Cindra spoke. “I was not a good Jedi. Or a good Sith. But something in between, something more...that would be a good place to start.”

Ben nodded. “I can relate to that. Though I was a Knight of Ren, not a Sith.”

”I admit I am still confused about you,” Cindra said. “As a person. But you...you, Finn, Rey and Poe did something noble. Something no Jedi would do for a Sith no matter how good they claim to be.”

”Let’s do away with Jedi and Sith,” Ben said. “Starting now."

”I...suppose I can do that.”

***

Poe spoke to Ben later, in their quarters. "That was the right way ending the war,” he said. “There’ll be more killing. There’ll always be killing. But it won’t be from us.”

”Yeah. Poe...if you ever wanted to, would you marry me?”

Poe kissed him, almost like he was dying. Like he was drowning and Ben was air, all at once. 

He drew away, such a look of utter joy on his face that Ben thought he would be blinded by it.”

”Always, Ben,” he said. “Always.”


	35. Epilogue: New Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the end, everything turned out just fine...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Well, this was quite a ride. Thank you, everyone who commented, left kudos, gave feedback on the r/fanfiction subreddit, everyone. You guys mean the world to me. 
> 
> There are people upset about TROS. I have no doubt. But if we can give back to AO3, even through one fix fic...that means something. It’s not trivial. Nothing you write is trivial.

It had been a year since they had founded the Order that now replaced the Jedi Order — the Gray Jedi Order. A year since Ben and Poe had married and created a child via cloning technology. A year since the Republic was rebuilt on Coruscant. A year since the First Order was incarcerated, since Zia Rand had been put into therapy, since Cindra and Proserpine had agreed to help with the restoration efforts. A year since Finn and Rey, Zorii and Jess, Kaydel and Beaumont, Rose and Jannah, had married or gotten engaged.

Ben never thought that he’d be there. That he’d feel like, in any way, shape or form, belonged. There were words he said to Poe, to their daughter Leia Dameron, that he never thought that he’d speak. There were moments he shared with Poe, their daughter, their family, that he thought he would never have. 

And the Force had given him that anyway. 

”You never thought any of this would happen, did you?” Poe said softly. 

They sat on the hills of Dantooine, watching Leia (their Leia) play in the fields, picking flowers. Watching Rose exclaim over a new holocron find she found. Watching Finn and Rey cloudgaze. Watching Zorii and Jess play mediator between two Padawans who had gotten too rough with each other, Qi’ra and Enfys play sabaac. Maz meditating. 

It had taken so long, but they had found their happy ending, right here, right now. 

”No,” Ben said. “I really didn’t. But my uncle...he won in the end. Against Palpatine. Palpatine wanted to see our bloodline extinguished. To kill off just about all of it.” His bloodline too, of course. “Guess my uncle got the last laugh.”

”We’ll have to tell Leia, at some point,” Poe said. “We really will.”

”Yeah. But...one step at a time. I’ll tell her about how you, the bravest pilot in the galaxy, and my family brought me back. How you saved me. How we were separated, but came back.”

”Yeah.” Poe beamed at him. 

”Daddy!” Little Leia ran towards them then. “Papa!”

Two flower crowns. Two of them. Poe laughed in delight. “Oh, Leia, darling, they’re beautiful."

”Yeah.” Ben was smiling, brightly. Leia — she did remind him of his childhood, before it all had gone wrong. He would just make sure that the rest of her life was just as happy. “Can I wear one?”

Leia nodded, smiling that same sunbeam smile that reminded him so much of her second father’s. 

Ben fit the flower crown on his head, Leia giggling and clapping her hands. Moments like that...Ben didn’t know what he did to deserve all this love that surrounded him. 

It seemed he got it anyway. 

He could swear, for a moment, he saw the blue, glowing figures of his mother and uncle, their faces glowing with happiness, at peace. And his vision, his arguable hallucination, of his father. His father winked at him, that smile that was uniquely him coming to his face. 

” _You did it, kid_ ,” he said, for only Ben’s ears to hear. " _I’m so proud of you._ ”

Ben winked back, before turning back to Leia junior, and to Poe — to new memories to be made there.


End file.
